You jokes
What do you call it when Panera Bread goes to space?
Good question.
What to say to a single guy who's insulting you: "Shut up, you horny virgin!"
So, I went out to eat the other day, and the waitress came up to me and asked if I wanted a glass of water. I said, "Yes ma'am." She said, "Oh honey, you don't have to call me ma'am, I'm not that old." I said, "Okay, thanks bitch."
What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
One screams when you put it in a blender, and the other one is a cooperative little fruit.
Orphans are the best people to bully. They have no parents.
Jack and his kids went to the lake, and his mother wants him to go swimming. You know what he says? "Back where you came from!"
In the average room, there are about 2,894,638 items that Chuck Norris can use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris once said that he didn't like the plane he was riding in. Out of sadness, the plane committed suicide. How, you ask? Ask the Twin Towers.
How do you know a vampire's sick? If he's coffin (coughing?)
How do you fit 100 babies in a bowl? A blender.
How do you get them out? Tortilla chips.
What do you call 100 rabbits walking backwards? A receding hare line.
Knock knock. Who's there? Knock knock. Knock knock who? I'll knock knock you out if you don't stop.
What do you call an alligator with a vest?
An investigator.
You can say what you want about deaf people...
A nucleus walked into a bar. He asked the bartender, “How much for a drink?” The bartender replied, “For you, NO CHARGE!”
What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A liquor cabinet.
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
Johnny, Johnny?
Yes, Papa.
Eating sugar?
Yes, Papa, I am eating sugar because it is the only thing I can reach, and you have refused to feed me for the past 3 days. You smoke 2 packs of cigs a day and you’re mad at me for eating a little sugar.
Smoking? Telling lies?
Yes, Papa, you do all of those things because you’re a chronic addict.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell him to clap until his parents come home.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: "ARE YOU OKAY?"
Me: "Please...I need my...phone."
*opens twitter*
Me: "LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT"