You jokes
Teacher makes 1 kid recite the ABCs and the other count to 10.
Teacher: You can kill 2 birds with 1 stone.
Little Johnny goes home and throws a rock at two birds. One dies. He gives his dad a concussion from the rock hitting his head.
Johnny at school: You can kill a bird and give a man a concussion.
My eggcellent egg yolks crack everyone up.
If you don't like them, you're just hard boiled.
It's funny dating someone smarter than you. My girlfriend knows how to push my buttons but never takes into account what a dick I can be if need be. Let me explain. Say, for example, she calls me retarded, I remind her that she's dating me.
One time my friend nutted into my bag of trail mix.
I guess you could say I fucking ate a different kind of nut.
If you want any pictures of cheese for your laptop, I've got enough to Philadelphia.
Memes
What's a chair's favorite snack?
Chair-ies or Cherries if that's how you wanna spell it .3.
You wanna hear a joke? It's YOU.
I've patched 1,000 roofs, and they don't call you Boris the roof patcher. I've built 100,000 swords and shields, and they don't call you Boris the blacksmith, but you fuck one goat!
If you start at a bait shop, you're an amateur baiter, but once you achieve the highest level, you become a master baiter. Now buy a shrimp boat and become a master baiter on a shrimp boat.
Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?
Because it’s pointless!
What do you call an orphan's family picture?
A selfie.
What do you call fake spaghetti?
An impasta.
Let me tell you how I escaped Iraq. Iran! (;)
What do you call a virgin kid locked in a room with a pedophile? Past tense.
(To a thief) If you like taking things, how about you take my life?
Roses are red, violets are blue, If I slapped you, that’d be animal abuse.
You're so poor, even the store didn't let you buy anything free.
Did you hear about the person who died? I would tell you about him, but he died.
What do you call a chicken staring at a pile of lettuce?
A chicken sees a salad.
(Say it out loud if you don't get it!)
What's something similar between a clogged pipe and a pregnant woman?
You fix both with a coat hanger.