You jokes
Guy feels something on his back.
“Oh God, please let that be a rifle.”
“Nope. I’m just real happy to see you.”
What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?
Car-los
How did the skeleton know it was gonna rain?
If you said he felt it in his bones, you're wrong. He watched the weather forecast.
If Stephen Hawking gets a heart attack, where do you go, the hospital or Curry's PC World?
How do you get your appeal for rape charges accepted? Say you were expressing your desire for a woman, which is protected under the Constitution in freedom of expression.
Why is there no open hunting season on hippies?
Have you ever tried to clean one?
What's the difference between a prostitute and a Democrat? A Democrat will keep screwing you when you run out of money.
A woman delivers a baby. The doctor takes the baby and throws it, smashing it around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. The mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. The doctor holds the baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.
A woman prayed to be a mother everyday for many years until she crossed a road without looking and got hit by a woman driver and died.
When she met God, she asked Him, "How come you didn't answer my prayers?"
God replied, "I did. I kept sending men to rape you, but you kept on choosing to destroy my creations by having an abortion."
Roses are red, violets are blue, faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don't worry, I will be there too, not in the cage but laughing at you.
Why shouldn't you let a Chinese person play baseball?
'Cause they'll eat the bat!
Did you know the Bible has a passage about killing babies by smashing them against rocks?
That's probably because microwaves hadn't been invented yet.
What kind of trumpet are you playing?
An "Donald Trumpet"!
"Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner, chocolate's made." (Point to your boobs, vagina/crouch area, and then to your butt area in sync with words.)
How do you save your wife from drowning?
Take your foot off her neck.
Have you heard about the Pokemon called "rhy rhy rhyde" on deez nuts?
What do you call a Mexican door?
Dora.
How does a depressed couple say goodbye on the phone?
"No, you hang yourself first..."
"Brown bear, brown bear, what do you see?" I see a blind man looking at me.
"Blind man, blind man, what do you see?"
Oh sorry, I forgot you can't see.
*in the hospital*
Paralyzed kid: I'm out!
*walks out the room*
Blind kid: You can walk?!
Mute kid: You can see?!
Deaf kid: You can talk?!
Doctor: Wut the f**k?