You jokes
My friend: What are you doing?
Me: I'm making holy water.
My friend: How?
Me: I'm boiling the hell out of it.
Q: What did one atom say to the other?
A: I have my ion you.
One time a man climbed a mountain and saw a guy.
"Who are you?"
"I am mountain man!"
You guys wanna hear a joke?
My LOVE LIFE.
My math teacher walked by and asked me, "What is that?"
I said, "Paper."
She said, "Really?"
I said, "Yeah, do you need glasses?"
Memes
This 15-year-old girl wanted a cross on her room with a long nail on the end over her bed. Unfortunately, it killed her dad because it fell off the wall.
(Do you get the joke?)
(Her dad was on her, and it fell and killed him.)
What do you call a cow's facial hair?
A moostache.
What did the letter A say to the letter B?
"Z" you later.
What do you call a magic owl? Hoo-dini.
What do you call a fat fortune teller? A four-chin teller.
If you think no one cares about you, stop paying your taxes.
Aren't my egg yolks amazing? Don't they make you crack up? If not, I better scramble!
How do you confuse a fish?
Put it in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner!
What do you call Stephen Hawking on pot?
Pot wheels.
Don't you hate it when you do the dishes, but then you realize it wasn't the dishes?
Roses are blood red, violets are twilight-hued oh how I wish I was dead so that I no longer have to brood.
Death would be a reprieve as I would no longer have to be true, and I would no longer have to be around any of you.
So this guy named Andrew Furda was my boyfriend for like a half a week, so five days. Then bam, I cut my hair. He only liked me for my looks, and I hoped he regrets it because it is WAR, so if you see this, you're going down, Andrew!
Sometimes I have this incredible urge to grab a child from school and yell, "I'm you from the future!"
What do you call a flying sheep?
A muttonbird.
I went on a date last night and told my date I worked with animals every day.
She said, "Oh, how sweet. What do you do?" I said, "I'm a butcher."