You jokes
How can you tell if a heterosexual man has been using a computer?
There is sperm on the screen.
What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?
The Las Vegas shooting.
I asked my dad, "Why did you paint rabbits on your bald head?"
He replied, "Because I thought it would look like hares."
Did you know that the Royal family like carnivals?
Princess Diana was really fond of bumper cars.
When I went to the doctor, he pulled his wife in and said, "What do you see?"
I replied, "A fat bitch." He said, "Ok, your eyesight is perfect."
Where do you take Stephen Hawking when he dies?
The Apple repair store.
It was 7:00 a.m. when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep. He got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat. "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely. Billy replied with, "Whatever Dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"
1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.
2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.
3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.
4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.
5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.
7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.
8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.
9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.
10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?
11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.
12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.
What do you call a hospital that's flooded with vegetable soup?
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.
Did you ever walk into Steve Hawking's house?
"No."
He hasn't too.
What do you call a plane with no wings?
Sally.
How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?
The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.
How do you know when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
Like if you know an orphan.
What’s the difference between a pimple and a Priest?
You see, a pimple wouldn’t normally come on a kid until he’s 13 years old.
Vegans: Save the Earth.
Normal People: We're trying to, but you guys keep eating it!
You have more chin than brain cells!
I like porn a lot. I was wondering if you guys can talk to me.