You jokes
What do you get when you cross a lawn mower and a parakeet?
Shredded tweet!
What do you call a person with no nose and no body?
Nobody knows.
What do a condom and a gun have in common? You should never use either one of them.
Guy: Are you a vending machine? Because you're a snack.
Girl: Your card got declined.
Guy: That's ok, you got to bang them a few times to get you money's worth.
You are my compass; without you, I’m lost.
Memes
Wait a damn minute
How do you get the depressed kid out of the tree? You cut the rope.
What do you get when you mix a lemon and a cat?
A sourpuss.
What do you call an orphan taking a picture?
A self-portrait.
What do you call an injured person who doesn't want to play a game with you? A sore loser.
When you're at a funeral and you laugh at the body... everyone stares, and one person said, "Isn't that your mom...?"
Bf: Hey, what ya doing?
Gf: Just lying in bed.
Bf: Just lying in bed?
Gf: And eating cereal.
Bf: Ha, nice, what would you do if I was in bed next to you...?
Gf: Eat my cereal.
Bf: I mean if the cereal wasn't there.
Gf: I'd get out of bed and get more cereal.
Man A: "Is Google male or female?"
Man B: "Female, because it does not let you finish the sentence before making a suggestion."
A couple and their friends were riding their tricycle, and one wheel fell off. They discussed what to do, and finally the friend said, "Why don't you just use me?" The boyfriend said, "Why did I not think of using the third wheel?"
What happens to a baby when you let it run loose? It can't cause it can't run yet.
When you say to your friend, "I've got your back," then at his funeral you see in his coffin he's missing his middle piece.
Hi, I love you. You know I do. What a good night of a good time and time to go, oooo!
What do you call male mermaids?
Mer-butlers!
Q: Why don't cars work after you change their wheels?
A: Because they're retired!
How do you get two deaf people from fighting?
Turn off the lights and walk out.
You should never date a prospector. They're all just gold diggers.