You jokes
Roses are red. Violets are blue. You smell like shit. And you look like it too.
Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?
I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.
When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.
WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!
Doctor: "I'm sorry, but you suffer from a terminal illness and only have 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean 10? 10 what? months? weeks?"
Doctor: "9, 8, 7..."
Did you know that Americans fall out of both sides of the bed?
What do you call a zombie?
Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.
Women are like dogs...
"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"
"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"
"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."
SHOES
Q: What do you get when you drop all your potato chips in your couch somewhere?
A: A couch potato. HaHaHa
Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. Depression who? Depression you!
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth, and he got a toaster.
what do you call a cow that fell?
Ground beef.
What can change color and get beat up?
You.
What is the best type of girl to fuck?
Homeless girls, because after, you can drop them off anywhere.
Pick up lines.
"One fish, two fish, three fish, I’m breaking up with you, b*tch!"
"Hey there little mister, I’m dating your sister."
I'd tell you a Kobe joke.
But I am afraid it wouldn't land well.
One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
Boi, you're the reason the Great Wall of China is a thing. You're so ugly the Chinese needed to block you out!
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
Oh, sh**! I'm late for my interview! Do you know where the nearest sex offender registry is?
A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m., and his wife is livid. "You swore that you'd be home by 11:45!"
"No," slurs the mathematician, "I said I'd be home by a quarter of 12."