You jokes
How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.
One day, two Chinese people with broken English go to America. When they arrive, they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu, they see "hot dog," but since their English is bad, they think it's literally a roasted dog and order it. When it comes back, they're both surprised, and one of them asks,
"What part of the dog did you get?"
A blonde walks in and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde asks, "That's it, how'd you know I was a blonde?"
The seller replies, "Because that's a microwave."
A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”
What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-A-Likes.
When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.
WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!
What do you call a white person having a seizure?
A saltshaker.
What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?
I guess orange is the new black.
Oompa Loompa Doobity doo, I got a glock and it’s pointing at you.
What do you call an army of disabled people?
Special forces.
Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?
I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. You smell like shit. And you look like it too.
You like to draw? Because I like the MD, raw :)
What do you call a zombie?
Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.
Q: What do you get when you drop all your potato chips in your couch somewhere?
A: A couch potato. HaHaHa
Women are like dogs...
"Where are you going? Where are you going? Where are you going?"
"Can I come? Can I come? Can I come?"
"I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here... I'll wait right here..."
SHOES
Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.
Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....
Mom: It's a pillow fort.
Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?
Mom: You're almost 19 years old.
Me: Not good enough... OUT!
A Russian walked into a bar... unlucky for him, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.
Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”
what do you call a cow that fell?
Ground beef.