You jokes
I was crying at school and telling my friends that my grandpa died. Then I told them I still remember his last words. They wanted to hear them. They are: "you still holding the ladder?"
You remind me of a snowflake, beautiful and unique. One touch and you're wet.
What do you call a cow that eats grass?
A lawn mooer.
What's the difference between a woman and a washing machine? The washing machine doesn't follow you after you put a load in it.
What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
How can you save a depressed person from a tree?
You cut the rope.
Him: What's the difference between Incestry.com and Ancestry.com?
Her: What?
Him: Nothing, either way you will be dating your cousin.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur? A dinosnore!
Me: So you two girls are from England?
Girls: Wales.
Me: Oh, I see, so you two whales are from England.
How many astronauts can you fit into a VW Bug? 11, 4 in the seats, seven in the ashtray.
One day, two Chinese people with broken English go to America. When they arrive, they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu, they see "hot dog," but since their English is bad, they think it's literally a roasted dog and order it. When it comes back, they're both surprised, and one of them asks,
"What part of the dog did you get?"
A blonde walks in and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde comes back the next day with brown hair and says, "I want to buy that TV."
The seller says, "I don't sell to blondes."
The blonde asks, "That's it, how'd you know I was a blonde?"
The seller replies, "Because that's a microwave."
A kid has an older brother that’s a very popular lifeguard. He sees all of the people that talk to his brother, but he’s fairly ignored. So one day he asks his brother why everyone likes him so much. His older brother says, “Well, all you gotta do is stick a potato in your pocket.” So the next day the boy goes back to the pool and he has a potato in his pocket, but everyone is avoiding him even more now. At the end of the day he goes up to his brother and asks why it didn’t work, and his brother says, “Dumbass, you were supposed to put it in the front!”
What do you call a white person having a seizure?
A saltshaker.
What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?
I guess orange is the new black.
What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-A-Likes.
What do you call an army of disabled people?
Special forces.
Satan: "Why are you in hell?"
Me: "I threw itching powder on somebody with no arms."
Did you know that Americans fall out of both sides of the bed?
Pick up lines.
"One fish, two fish, three fish, I’m breaking up with you, b*tch!"
"Hey there little mister, I’m dating your sister."