You jokes
What do you call it when someone fucks shoe inserts?
Orthopediphilia.
What do you call a website that openly encourages racist posts?
What do you call a dad without a dad joke?
Dead.
Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Seine.
I'm 50% human, so that 50% stupid is 100% you.
What do you call seagulls that fly over the bay? Bagels.
What would a man say to flirt with a woman that has a big butt?
You are so butty-ful!
Just before lockdown began, a woman took her 15-year-old son, Tom, and 14, 16, and 18-year-old daughters Sally, Mary, and Annie and went to the family cabin in the mountains to wait it out, while her husband stayed in town as an essential worker.
The weekly family Zoom call went well enough...until the 8th week when the father noticed the 14-year-old was looking a little...plump. By the 20th week, the 16-year-old's shirt was starting to pull taut over her tummy, by the 25th the curve of the 18-year-old's belly was rising over the edge of the table her laptop was perched on, and by the 30th week his wife and all 3 girls were very obviously 6 months pregnant, and the poor 14-year-old was so huge she was obviously having triplets.
So the father waited until he'd talked to his wife and daughters, and then asked if he could talk to his son alone.
"Look, I know your mom and the girls are all pregnant. I'm not mad, I just want to know how it happened. We don't have any neighbors up at the cabin, did you break quarantine and invite some hikers in, or go into town for supplies?"
"No, Pop, we haven't seen anyone since we left the city," his son told him earnestly. "And we sure haven't gone into town for supplies, I ran out of condoms on the second day here!"
What do you call an orphan in a room full of mirrors?
Surrounded by loved ones.
What do you call yourself when you fist a midget?
A ventriloquist.
A mirror and a beer bottle are arguing.
The beer bottle says: "If you break me, you get one year of bad luck."
The mirror scoffs: "Oh, that's nothing. You break me and you get 7 years of bad luck."
The condom overhears these arguments and walks off laughing.
Have you heard about the new movie with Stephen Hawking as the star? It's called "Unplugged."
Why can’t you trust an atom? Because they make up literally everything.
What's the difference between a watermelon and an orphan?
One you cut into 2 with a knife.
And the watermelon you cut into pieces.
Me: I know why you don't have friends.
Kid: Why?
Me: Because you can't even figure that out.
What is the difference between a cow and 9/11?
You can’t milk a cow for 15 years.
What do you call a white bucket?
A pail.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I know a pedophile,
And he says he knows you.
What do you call a rapper who LOVES desserts?
Ice Cream-E
Man, we all have the one cool sibling, then the strong sibling, and then you, the one who plays on their iPad or computer all day. Then, when you are on vacation, you are doing nothing at all.