You jokes

You know, the earth was flat till they buried your mama.

A priest says to me, "Come up, my child." Then I said, "Do I know you? Because you're not my father."

I'm no astronomer, but I’m pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

A friend called me a while back saying, "I have COVID.... I can't breathe, I really have a hard time breathing."

I reply saying, "Dude, you need to work on your George Floyd jokes."

Heyo, my children, hope you haven't forgotten about our cult!

Mom asks, "Why are you are THIS show??? It's DISTRACTING you from SCHOOL!!!!!"

The child says, "Don't you mean SCHOOL is distracting ME from this AWESOME show?"

Mom whispers, "Oh, you DEAD."

Just because you‘re suicidal, you don‘t have to be a quitter.

Wait, actually.

Yo mama so fat, her cheeks are in different time zones.

What do you call a deer who is funny?

Diraleous.

What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?

Ian.

You look like the 0.01 percent of germs the Lysol didn't kill.

What do you call a party planned by Bill Cosby and Jeffrey Epstein?

A high school pill party.

What is the best way to get chewing gum out of your hair?

Cancer.

Hey guys, how was your day?

If you ask me the same question, here's the answer: depressing.

I still haven't made any friends on this app. All I do is read and comment on old jokes or opinions.

She said you can twerk, so I put her in a tractor and put her to work. She got mad at me and said, "There's no good men," but I gave her a kob and equal pay!

You're so fat, when people see you running, they can't help but yell out, "Keep running!"

Roses are red, violets are blue, I have 10 fingers, the middle ones are for you.

I saw a kid on the curb while I was on a walk, and he was in baggy clothes, and I said, "Are you an orphan?" He said, "Yeah." And the orphan said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Ur parents."

Yeah man! Life is wonderful! But, when you realize all of the ones you loved were fake.

And when you die, does your online friends notice? How will they notice? Or will they ever notice? Is 13 age too young for dying? Am I just paranoid? I'm scared.

What do you call a group of sped kids with AK-47s?

Special forces.