You jokes

What is the best type of girl to fuck?

Homeless girls, because after, you can drop them off anywhere.

And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”

But John came fifth, and he got a toaster.

what do you call a cow that fell?

Ground beef.

Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.

Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....

Mom: It's a pillow fort.

Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?

Mom: You're almost 19 years old.

Me: Not good enough... OUT!

A Russian walked into a bar... unlucky for him, in Soviet Russia, you don’t walk into bars. Bars walk into you.

What do you call an Irish man that breaks up fights?

Liam Malone.

You like to draw? Because I like the MD, raw :)

What do you call a zombie?

Nothing because zombies aren’t real, and if they were, you would be dead.

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

Knock knock. Who's there? Depression. Depression who? Depression you!

What do you call an army of disabled people?

Special forces.

Oompa Loompa Doobity doo, I got a glock and it’s pointing at you.

What do you call it when an Arab girl has an abortion?

Removing a bomb.

What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?

I guess orange is the new black.

Do you know you’re supposed to wash your sex toys after you use them?

I guess that’s why Catholics invented baptism.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. You smell like shit. And you look like it too.

I'd tell you a Kobe joke.

But I am afraid it wouldn't land well.

One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

Boi, you're the reason the Great Wall of China is a thing. You're so ugly the Chinese needed to block you out!

The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:

"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."

The commander starts answering:

"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"

"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"

"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"

After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:

"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"