You jokes

Me: I'm home, ma! Here's her with a new dad. Her: Go hang with someone. Me: Gets the noose, goes to fav tree. I love you, ma. 🙂

Doctor: You need new glasses.

Patient: How'd you know? I haven't even told you what is wrong with me yet.

Doctor: I could tell as soon as you walked in through the window.

What is the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?

You can unscrew a light bulb.

What do you call a ghost bee?

Boobees.

If you eat a clock, then does that mean you’ve consumed time?

You couldn't spit out a good sentence, even if you ate a bowl of alphabet soup.

What do you call a funny mountain?

Hill-arious.

Me: Are you okay?

Dentist: I'm just a bit surprised. When I said to you "spit it out," I wasn't expecting you to say you've been shagging my wife.

A vampire stalks you into a field of corn. The stakes have never been higher...

What do you call a prostitute with no arms or legs?

Cash and carry.

"Why don't you want to taco 'bout it?"

"Cause I'm nacho friend anymore."

Q: What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?

A: Carlos.

What do you call a 100-year-old frog?

An old croak!

What time is it when you get home, can you walk home and walk?

What do you call a person who cares for chickens?

A chicken tender.

What do you call an arrow pointing the wrong way?

A Disap point ment.

What do you call getting gonorrhea from a disabled person?

A slow clap.

How do you piss off a disabled person?

You put the cookie on the other shoulder.

What do you call two lesbians in a closet?

A liquor cabinet.

A woman is slightly drunk, watching a video, when she yells at the screen, "Don't go into that church you dumb bitch!"

Her husband asks, "What are you watching?"

"Our wedding video."