You jokes
Me: I know why you don't have friends.
Kid: Why?
Me: Because you can't even figure that out.
What can you give a white person that you can't give to a black person?
A black eye.
Yo mama is so stupid, because when she gave birth to you, she asked for a receipt!
A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.
The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."
The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"
What do you call a heterosexual man performing fellatio on another heterosexual man?
Bisexual.
Did you know if you give a guy a plane ticket, he flies once, but if you push him out of a plane, he flies for the rest of his life.
Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.
When you're sitting in class and the quiet kid yells, "Lovely day, isn't it?" ... and you see a Glock shape in his pocket.
What do you call Stephen Hawking on fire?
Hot wheels.
What do you call a letter using the bathroom?
The P.
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?
Poker Face.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell them to clap til' their parents get home.
When you hear your mom’s car pull in the driveway and you remember that she told you to take the chicken out of the freezer 7 hours ago.
Did you know "bj" ends with "job" because if you are giving a man a blow job, it sucks? But if you’re giving it to a woman, it's called "eating out" because it’s a privilege.
If your parents never had children, chances are, you won't either.
One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."
There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?
The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!
There is a young man smoking and a woman in a wheelchair. The woman says, "Why is a young man like you smoking?" The man turns around and says, "Why the fuck are you wearing trainers?"
Why don't you see black people with Down syndrome?
Because God doesn't punish someone twice.
How can you tell Donald Trump is old and demented?
He can't distinguish between tanned people and cockroaches!