You jokes
Yo mama is so stupid, because when she gave birth to you, she asked for a receipt!
A man was walking with a young boy in the woods.
The boy looks at the man and says, "Mister, it's too dark and I'm getting scared."
The man replies with, "How do you think I feel? I have to come back alone!"
Doctor: I have bad news and really bad news.
Patient: What's the bad news?
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What's the really bad news?
Doctor: I forgot to tell you yesterday.
Can you drive a pizza? Of course, as long as you change the olive oil.
Why does no one look up at Steven Hawking?
You have to look down to see him.
Me: I know why you don't have friends.
Kid: Why?
Me: Because you can't even figure that out.
Did you know if you give a guy a plane ticket, he flies once, but if you push him out of a plane, he flies for the rest of his life.
What do you call a Muslim with Tourette’s? A ticcing time bomb.
One day, little Johnny woke up to get a drink of water. He passed by his parents' bedroom and noticed sheets bouncing. He asked his dad what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." Little Johnny said, "Who is your partner?" Dad said, "Your mom." On his way up, he passed by his sister's room and noticed sheets bouncing around and asked what she’s doing. She said, "Playing cards with my boyfriend, Paul." The next day, Dad came to ask Johnny a question. The father noticed Johnny was still in bed and asked him what he was doing. He saw the sheet bouncing and asked Johnny what he was doing. He said, "Playing cards." His dad asked him who his partner was. Little Johnny said, "You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand."
There is a man in the hospital. The power went out, and the man was stabbed to death. There are three witnesses: the nurse who was with another patient, the doctor who was reading some paperwork, and The Who who was at the vending machine. Who killed the man?
The mom did, because you can’t use a vending machine when the power's out!
There is a young man smoking and a woman in a wheelchair. The woman says, "Why is a young man like you smoking?" The man turns around and says, "Why the fuck are you wearing trainers?"
Why don't you see black people with Down syndrome?
Because God doesn't punish someone twice.
How can you tell Donald Trump is old and demented?
He can't distinguish between tanned people and cockroaches!
These are all really nice jokes, but here is one.
Boy: Spell ME.
Girl: M-E.
Boy: You forgot the D.
Girl: There is no D in ME.
Boy: Not yet.
Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, Titanium, and Carbon?
Cause damn, you lookin' kinda Au Ti S Ti C!
What do you call a Mexican that smokes weed? A baked bean.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor? -- Laughing stock.
What's the difference between you and an idiot? Not very much if you reword and post the same joke over and over.
How do you get away with rape? Identify as transgender. Women can never be accused of rape, obviously
I sometimes want rampage, but what good would that do?
I look for a way out, but there's not even a light shining through.
The times where all is dark, are the times that I need a mark.
Though people say that nobody will care, the truth is: there's always one who's fair.
That person may not be the one you expect, but I am here with a passion to redirect.
Once there was a time where I tried to end it all, because I only looked on the dark side.
Truth was I wanted to be heard, to be respected, to let someone know.
But that was in the past and this isn't about my dark ride, it's time for others to know that only a few words, can extinguish a glow.