You jokes
Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.
Man: What's up?
Me: I'm annoyed.
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf's heart.
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.
What do you do when life gives you lemons? Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist. 🙂💊💉
Any girl can be a squirter if you hit the right artery.
What do you call a dog with no legs? -- Doesn't matter what you call him, he's not coming.
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: Your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and 2 hours later he's still trying to back out of the driveway.
Do you know why God created wars? To teach Americans geography.
What do you say to a one-legged hitchhiker?
Hop in.
Knock knock. Who's there? 9/11. 9/11 who? You said you would never forget.
How do you get Wacko Jacko to screw a lightbulb?
Tell Jacko that the bulb is a 6-year-old boy.
Orphan: "I want to kill my parents."
People: "I don't think you have the facilities for that, big man."
How do you stop a heterosexual woman from sucking your dick? piss inside her mouth
Father: "The church is on fire! GET OUT! GET OUT!"
Priest: "Ok, what about the children?"
Father: "FUCK THE CHILDREN!"
Priest: "Do you think we'll have time?"
I went up to the blind kid and punched him and said bet you didn't see that coming
What do you call a dwarf suicide bomber?
A party popper.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"
She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."
The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"
The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"
"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"
The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."
"White people can't jump"...
"You must not have seen the twin towers on 9/11."
What does your mom and a slinky have in common?
They aren't much to look at, but you can't help but crack a smile when you see them tumbling down the stairs.
Little Johnny was playing with his train and said, "All you motherf*ckers who want to get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who want to get on, get on." His mother hears him and asks, "Is that you cussing?" The mother said, "Go to your room for 1 hour." Little Johnny goes to his room, then comes back one hour later and said, "All you motherf*ckers who wanna get off, get off, and all you motherf*ckers who wanna get on, get on, and if you wanna know about the 1 hour delay, go ask the b*tch in the kitchen."
Do you know why the Japanese have squinted eyes? Because nukes are bright.