You jokes

Head

    • What has one head, one foot, and four legs? A: A bed.

    Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? A: Never mind, it's over your head!

    Q: How many letters are in the alphabet? A: 11. A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T.

    Priest

    • A girl walks into the church and confesses.

    Girl: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

    Priest: "How have you sinned, may I ask?"

    Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

    Priest: "Why did you call a man a son of a bitch?"

    Girl: "He held my hand."

    Priest: "Like this?" (He holds the girl's hand.)

    Girl: "Yes, Father."

    Priest: "That does not explain why you called a man a bitch."

    Girl: "He started taking off my clothes."

    Priest: "Like this?" (He takes off the girl's clothes.)

    Girl: "Yes, Father."

    Priest: "That also doesn't explain why you called the man a bitch."

    Girl: "Then he took off his clothes and put his you know what into my you know what."

    Priest: "Like this?" (He puts his you know what into her you know what.)

    Girl: "Yes, Father! Yes, Father!"

    Priest: "Then what?"

    Girl: "Then he got up and left me naked."

    Priest: "That son of a bitch!"

    Burglar

    • A burglar breaks into the home of a weapons engineer. He wants to steal some of his weapons from his strictly secured chamber. When he breaks in through the window to go into his weapons cellar, he realizes that the inventor is at home and heard him from upstairs.

    The burglar shouts, "Hands up, there is no escape!" The engineer shouts, "What do you want from me?" The thief answers impatiently, "Well, what do you think? I know what you're hiding here. Get me entry to your armory, right away!" "Never in my life will I do that!" The burglar pulls out his pistol, "Either you let me in, or you go for it!"

    "Well, I'll give up, I'll give you my guns. Please don't shoot me." The burglar grins gleefully, "Thank you." "I even have a gun here that I've been working on lately. You can have it." The burglar then thinks and grunts, "Okay, before you open up, you'll show me this first!"

    The inventor says, "It's shooting plasma. You can test it on one of my practice goals that I've made while I'm unlocking," and points to a side room where various dummies with targets are set up. The burglar walks into the room with the targets, focuses on the red dot in the middle of the disc, and pushes off. But the gun does not fire plasma or at the target. Instead, the gun fires a bullet at the burglar. This causes him to bleed to the ground.

    The engineer behind him began to laugh, "Hahaha! I knew you were falling for it! This is not a plasma gun at all; this is my latest invention, especially for burglars like you: the backward-shooting pistol."

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    • You memes

    Demon

    • When you tell the men in the suits you can see that the demons of your sins are watching you...

    But they know you're blind.

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    • Child

    • What say the child to the man? Shalom.

    Man come later give the child: "Here, what you asked for!"

    Child: "No, sir! I say Shabbat Shalom. I not ask for salmon!"

    Man: "It may be the coin in me ear, hard to hear."

    Woman

    • If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

    If you're almost there and then she laughs, then you've got a whole different problem on your hands.

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    • Job

    • Neona (😟): I bet you I'm not going to get that job at all!

    Gwen (😌): Yeah well, I believe in you.

    Neona (😔): You got the job, and am I still waiting for them to call me and remind me that I will, but I won't get it. Anyway, I need to prepare for a job that I won't get.

    Gwen (😠): Neona, you just don't got enough confidence. You got to have confidence in life. I know you will get the job. I do now. Just believe instead of giving up!

    Neona (😞): UGH fine!!!

    Gwen (😉): I'll see you at that job interview!!!! Put a smile on your face, too!

    Neona (😊): Okay...Gwen, you're the best!

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    • Elephant

    • I hate it when I go to the shop and people are like, "Oh, hey what are you doing here?"

    Me: "Oh, you know, just hunting elephants."

    Dummy

    • Need a sock puppet for a joke.

    "Hey Soccy?" "What?" "Where do you come from?" "The laundry bin... I don’t wanna talk about it!" 🤣

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