What do you not say to an Emo if you want them to come round? "Wanna hang out."
You Jokes
Christopher Walkin: "This is a literal universal remote! It actually controls your life! You can pause, you can rewi-"
Me: power button.
I asked the gym instructor,
"Can you teach me to do the splits?"
"How flexible are you?" he asked.
"Well, I can't make it on Fridays."
Me: Good night, everyone.
My friends and family: Night.
Me: *gets in coffin*
My family: *stares at my friends* You aren't going to do something?!?
My friends: *to my family* Nope, this is normal.
My friend had an allergic reaction after he ate a peanut.
We got his EpiPen to help him when Penaldo appeared because he heard the word "PEN". He tried stealing the pen, but I said, "No pens for you," and "Brentford". He cried and ran away. Shame on you, Penaldo the fraud!
What does a Rubik's cube and a man's penis have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Are you a tree? Cuz I’m trying to hang with you. ;)
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
Why does Sans say "I got a bone to pick with you?"
Because he needs to pick your balls.
What do you call a rooster lollipop?
A cock sucker!
Two cows are grazing in a field.
One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"
The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.
So if you are bored, punch an orphan.
What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?🙄🙄
Dad: Here you go son, all your toys have gone to the orphanage.
Son: Why, Dad?
Dad: You would be bored there if there was not anything to do.
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
I rate you a 9/11.
How do you know if spaghetti is a boy or a girl? It's meatballs.
Do you know Candice?
Nope.
Candice dick fit in your mouth.
