You jokes
What does a Rubik's cube and a man's penis have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
Are you a tree? Cuz I’m trying to hang with you. ;)
Mom: I'm getting you a dog!
Me: OMG REALLY?!
Mom: Yeah, what gender do you want?
Me:...
Me: Bitch, please.
Why does Sans say "I got a bone to pick with you?"
Because he needs to pick your balls.
What do you call a rooster lollipop?
A cock sucker!
Two cows are grazing in a field.
One cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?"
The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to do suicide, and the librarian said, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
I was in a motivational seminar about depression the other day, and she said I could be anything I wanted to be if I put my mind to it. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet and do it, even if it's messy.
So if you are bored, punch an orphan.
What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?🙄🙄
Dad: Here you go son, all your toys have gone to the orphanage.
Son: Why, Dad?
Dad: You would be bored there if there was not anything to do.
Walk up to the quiet kid and tell him to hang in there. Trust me, you won’t regret it.
Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.
I rate you a 9/11.
How do you know if spaghetti is a boy or a girl? It's meatballs.
Do you know Candice?
Nope.
Candice dick fit in your mouth.
Don’t criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
So, when you criticize them, they won’t be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you’ll have their shoes.
What do you call a FAT Man under 5'9"?
A JUMBO shrimp.
The other day, I walked up to someone who looked lost and he had all scraggy clothes on. I said, "Are you an orphan?"
He said, "Yeah, what gave me away?"
I said, "Your parents, buddy."
What do you call a disabled person who gets high?
Baked potato.
How do you know Johnny Depp finished his meal?
When you see fifty empty bottles of wine on his front doorstep.