You jokes
When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.
Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.
"What do you call a deer with no eyes?" -- "No-eye-deer."
Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."
When you ask the cashiers for the specials menu, and they bring out the autistic kid, blind kid, and Down syndrome kid.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
PORK-CHOP
What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?
A flat major.
Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fallout.
Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."
A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
If your left nut was Thanksgiving and your right nut was Christmas, then you wouldn't have any balls because they're holidays.
Where can you never take an orphan to dinner?
Family restaurants.
What do you think would fall to the ground first, an emo kid or a leaf?
The leaf. The rope would stop the emo kid.
A boy and a girl are showering together. The girl looks down and says to the boy, "Hey, can I touch it?" The boy replies, "Oh hell nah. You already ripped yours off."
Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.
Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"
Trump: "Screw the women and children!"
Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"
What do you call children born from incest?
Gross Domestic Product.
You were sleeping, it didn't count - Chloe Foxwell 2021:)))))))
My friend told me to "hang on" when I told him I wanted to kill myself.
Buddy, I’ll be hanging for sure, just you wait.
This is NOT my joke. I found it on Google. It's a texting joke.
Mom: Son, your grandma just passed away LOL.
Son: Mom, what do you mean LOL? That means laughing out loud.
Mom: Oh no, I thought that meant lots of love. I have to text everyone back!!!!