You jokes
Guess what song this is from:
"I'll cut you into little bitty pieces,
Or freeze you till your blood runs cold,
Or stab your till' you heart stops pumping.
I'm here to realize your wish from what I'm told."
Me: *Meets girl, starts to form crush* Me after I get enough courage to talk to her: “Are you a casket lid because I want you on top of me?”
“What do you call my friend group?” “Suicide Squad.”
When the school shooter finds you and you think you’re gonna die, but he remembers the time you gave him a pen.
How do you fit a baby into a shoebox?
A blender.
How do you get them out?
Tortilla chips.
An Asian man goes to the eye doctor.
The doctor says, "It looks like you have a cataract."
The Asian guy says, "No Doc, I drive a Rincoln."
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
Nurse: Don't worry, I'm great with babies. Parents: You are? Nurse: Yeah, I always abort them. Parent:... Parent: You're hired.
"What do you call a deer with no eyes?" -- "No-eye-deer."
Brian has a crush on a cute girl, Sally, from school, so he goes and tells his dad about her, and he says, "Sorry, son, you can't like her; she is your sister." So Brian is okay with it, and he starts to like another girl, Madison, and he goes up to his dad and says, "I have a crush on this girl, Madison," and again the dad goes, "Oh, sorry, son, you can't like any girl in school; they are all your sisters." So he goes crying to his mom and says, "Dad said I can't like any girl because they are all my sisters," and the mom goes, "Oh, it's okay; you can like any girl you want because he is not your dad."
Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.
When you ask the cashiers for the specials menu, and they bring out the autistic kid, blind kid, and Down syndrome kid.
What do you call a bunch of Paki's jumping off a cliff?
Chocolate drops.
If your left nut was Thanksgiving and your right nut was Christmas, then you wouldn't have any balls because they're holidays.
Where can you never take an orphan to dinner?
Family restaurants.
What do you think would fall to the ground first, an emo kid or a leaf?
The leaf. The rope would stop the emo kid.
Obama, Trump, and Clinton are on the Titanic. The ship hits the iceberg and is going down.
Obama: "This is terrible! We've got to do something -- save the women and children!"
Trump: "Screw the women and children!"
Clinton: "Do you think we have time...?"
Two men are hunting. One asks: "Did you ever hunt bear?" The other one answers: "No, but one time I went fishing in my shorts."
Why shouldn't you buy Russian underpants?
Because Chernobyl fallout.
A pedophile pulls up to little Jonny, lowers his window and asks, "hey little boy, if I give you a lolly, will you come in my car?" Little Jonny replies, "Give me the whole packet and I’ll come in your mouth."
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant lady?
You can unscrew a light bulb.