You jokes

what do you call a chicken who crossed the road?........suicidal.

How many babies does it take to shingle a roof? Depends on how thin you slice them. -Hope Marie Lawson

What do you call a 5-year-old with no friends?

A Sandy Hook survivor.

What do you call a skeleton with no friends? Bonely.

Little Johnny is a trucker. He stops at a bar. Johnny sees a sign that says, "Hamburgers for two dollars, cheeseburger for three dollars, handjob for ten dollars." He walks up to the bartender and whispers to her, "Are you the one that gives the handjobs for ten dollars?" She replies, "Yes, that's me." Johnny says, "Well, can you wash your hands because I want a cheeseburger?"

You're so short, when you were born, the doctor couldn't tell if you were a boy, a girl, or a Jimmy Dean pork sausage.

What do you do when you finish a magazine at the hospital?

You reload and keep shooting.

What do you call an orphan taking a selfie?

A family photo.

Roses are red, grass is greener. When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

So I got asked why I suddenly started wearing a beret, and I said, "Well, you never know when you need to pick a lock."

People with Down syndrome have a specific skill only they have; they can give a blow job and talk to you while sounding exactly the same.

Chinese Names - Annie Wan (Anyone)

Caller: "Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan (anyone)?"

Operator: "Yes, you can speak to me."

Caller: "No, I want to speak to Annie Wan (anyone)!"

Operator: "You are talking to someone! Who is this?"

Caller: "I'm Sam Wan (Someone). And I need to talk to Annie Wan (anyone)! It's urgent."

Operator: "I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?"

Caller: "Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan (anyone) that our brother Noel Wan (no one) was involved in an accident. Noel Wan (no one) got injured and now Noel Wan (no one) is being sent to the hospital."

Operator: "Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious, but I don't have time for this!"

Caller: "You are so rude! Who are you?"

Operator: "I'm Saw Lee (Sorry)."

Caller: "Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!"

To be the perfect German, you need to be as thin as Göring, as tall as Goebbels, and as blonde as Hitler.

Don't you just want to go on a mass murder while listening to goodbye Moonman? Oh, just me... OK.

Three guys are in the woods, a really smart guy, an average guy, and a really dumb guy. They're bored, so the smart guy decides to go hunting. A little while later he comes back with a deer. The average guy asks, "How did you do that?" The really smart guy says, "I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer, I shoot deer." The average guy says, "I think I understand," and leaves. A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon. The really dumb guy goes *gasp*, "How did you do that!?" And the average looks at him funny and says, "Well, I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon, I shoot raccoon." The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, "Oooohh, ok, I think I can do that..." and leaves.

Hours pass, and the guy finally returns, hurt, bloody, and horribly mangled. They run to help him. Finally, one of the guys asks him what happened. This is what he said: "I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train, I shoot train. But train keep coming."

What do you call a fat, ugly, and hairy woman with a rape whistle? A feminist.

what do you call a baby in an oven?

my next meal.

When I was teaching my dog tricks, a Chinese man came to me and asked, "Why were you playing with your food?"

What do you call a patronizing criminal walking down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

What do you call a boomerang that never comes back?

Daddy.