You jokes

F is for friends who don't talk to you.

U is for Ur alone.

N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.

What do you call a Mexican under a carpet? Underlay, underlay.

What do you call an Afghan in the bath? A bath bomb.

What did the rope say to my depressed ass?

~ Hey, you wanna hang?

What do you get when a cow doesn't give any more milk?

A milk dud 😂

There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.

You gotta give it to JD Vance. He is consistent; he is Putin his dick where it don't belong!

Well, somebody has to cushion the blow.

Dad: "Son, does mommy like having lady-friends over?"

Son: "Nah, mostly men."

Dad: "Do you think you'd be comfortable telling that to a judge in court?"

Q: How do you know a wishing well works?

A: If your mother-in-law falls down it.

What do you call an hourglass with no sand in it?

A waist of time.

Did you hear about the light bulb party? Yeah, it was pretty lit!

Where do you buy a dishwasher?

Hot singles in your area.

My friend and I were joking about a kid in a wheelchair, and another kid came up and said to the wheelchair kid, "You should stand up for yourself."

What do you call Hitler speeding?

The Fast and the Fuherous.

How many people do you need to change a lightbulb?

Three. The first holds the ladder, the second one holds the lightbulb, and the third one spins the ladder.

What do you call a flat-chested emo? A cutting board.

A man walks into a magic forest, when he stumbles upon a talking tree and tries to cut it down. The tree says, "You can't cut me down, I'm a talking tree!" The man replies, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

How do you find out if your kid is gay?

Lock him in a closet and if he comes out, he's gay. If not, he's dead straight.

Why is a wet pavement like playing music?

If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat.

Do you know what you first feel when you shoot someone?

The recoil.