You jokes

Little Johnny and his teacher were telling each other jokes and riddles. His teacher asked, "Three birds were sitting on a wire, a hunter shot one. How many are left?" Little Johnny replied, "None, because the sound would scare the other two away." His teacher said, "No, but I like the way you think!"

Little Johnny replied, "Alright, now I have one for you. What goes in dry and hard and comes out soft and hard?" His teacher was shocked and said, "Little Johnny!" He replied, "It's gum! But I like the way you think!"

What do you call a cow jumping over barbed wire? Utter destruction.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

You gotta give it to JD Vance. He is consistent; he is Putin his dick where it don't belong!

Well, somebody has to cushion the blow.

Are you a bowling ball? Because I want to stick 3 fingers in you.

Did you hear about the light bulb party? Yeah, it was pretty lit!

What do you call an hourglass with no sand in it?

A waist of time.

What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?

A meltdown.

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

If you're going to be a smart ass, you have to be smart, or you're just an ass.

What does a penis and a Rubik's cube have in common?

The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

How do you give a redneck a circumcision? Kick his sister in the jaw.

How do you make an emo jump?

A cliff.

What do you call an avocado that got shot? Glockamole.

Bf: "Roses are red, violets are blue, you're my bf and I luv you."

Gf: "I luv u too."

Bf: "But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, I heard you were cheating, I'll knock off your head."

Gf: "Ah, about that..."

F is for friends who don't talk to you.

U is for Ur alone.

N is for never having any plans at all, all you do is sit at home.

What do you call a Mexican under a carpet? Underlay, underlay.

What do you call an Afghan in the bath? A bath bomb.

What did the rope say to my depressed ass?

~ Hey, you wanna hang?

There was always that one specific person you thought ruined your life, but it turns out your life has always been ruined by you being in it.