You jokes
What do you get when you cross a rapper with an accountant?
Someone who COUNTS BARS all day!
2 7 73 53.
I'll give you time, figure it out.
I went to visit my friend who is a stand up comedian and I asked him, "Why do you have so much art supplies, clothing fabrics, and building supplies in your basement?"
He responded with, "I don't know what it is people think I need it all for, but almost every time I perform, people tell me I need new material!"
Q: How do you know it's time for bed at the Neverland Ranch? A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
How do you make sure a rape victim doesn’t testify against you?
Kill her first.
Why is Uranus like paper? Because you do see the other side.
Small word of advice: Don't wait till next month or next year to do stuff with the people you love, because they may be gone by then. You don't realize, but every second there is someone who dies, and it just could be your loved one.
Two whores are watching the sun come up, splitting a bottle of Mad Dog and celebrating another night of servicing the general public. One asks the other: "Say. You ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
Her friend thinks it over, "No...but I have been swung around by the tits a few times!"
"Do you have a noose?"
"Nose?"
"Yeah, noose- nose... I heard yours was stuffed lately--haha."
"I actually smell something--like a corpse. Is it you?"
"No."
*Dying on the inside has never been so detectable.*
Hang in there, you all, Literally.
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?"
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."
What do you call a dinosaur that likes subtraction?
A galiminus.
Guy: Fight me on Xbox. Guy: Oh right, you don't have one *laughs*
Me: Fight me in real life. Me: Oh right, you don't have a real life. *INSERTS APPLE BOTTOM JEANS*
2021-2022
Roses are red, Violets are blue, God made me pretty, WHAT THE FRICK HAPPENED TO YOU?
I hate it when people think I'm a boy because I have short hair. I mean, I'm gay, what do you expect?
Hey, you know what I told the kid in a wheelchair?
I told him to be a stand-up comedian!
What do you call something that eats kids?
An upset mother.
Bob the builder took one look at you and said, "Nah, I can’t fix that!"
What's the difference between Putin and Hitler? I don’t know, you tell me.
What do you call an 18 year old orphan?
Homeless.