You jokes

What is the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with a light on.

What do you call a bunch of depressed kids with AK47s?

Suicide squad. 😂😂😂

What do you call milk that gets everything she wants?

Spoiled milk.

The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."

A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"

The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."

How do you escape a French prison?

Yell angrily in German!

My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.

Me: But they're not that long.

I'm not saying I hate you. I'm just saying that if I could go back in time, I'd give your mom a coat hanger.

Roses are red, But grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?

Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.

Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.

Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.

What do you call a mushroom 🍄 with many friends?

A fungi.

So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?

... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.

Head teacher talking about recent vandalism during school assembly:

"And to those of you who wrote Mr. Smith's telephone number on the door of the girl's toilets, he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a 7 and not a 4."

If you think about it, the 9/11 memorial is just a scoreboard.

Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?

They say he had locomotives.

I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”

A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."

"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."

She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.

After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.

Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."

One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?" the priest asks. "Christian kittens," the little girl answers.

Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way.

A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box," he says, "It's the cutest thing!"

The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens," she says.

The priest rushes forward and says, "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were 'Christian kittens!!!'"

"They were," she says. "Now their eyes are open."