You jokes

How do you escape a French prison?

Yell angrily in German!

There was a man named Matt that went to the church to confess one of his most recent sins. He told the priest, "I am here to tell you my sins." He was all for it and said, "Go ahead."

Matt, "Father, last night I almost cheated on my wife."

Priest, "How so?"

Matt, "We were together naked, but we didn't do anything, just rubbed each other, that's all."

Priest, "RUBBING TOGETHER IS THE SAME THING AS PUTTING IT IN! For your sins you must never see that woman again and put $50 in the donation box!"

Matt, "Okay, I promise not to see her again."

Then Matt walks out the door.

Priest, "Hey! I saw you! You didn't put any money in the donation box!!"

Matt, "Yes I did. I took the money and rubbed it against the box because you said rubbing it is the same thing as putting it in."

So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?

... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.

What do you call a bad amputation?

A rip-off.

Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?

Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.

Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.

Roses are red, But grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.

Me: But they're not that long.

Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.

Head teacher talking about recent vandalism during school assembly:

"And to those of you who wrote Mr. Smith's telephone number on the door of the girl's toilets, he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a 7 and not a 4."

What do you call a mushroom 🍄 with many friends?

A fungi.

I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”

What do you call an autistic kid who just saw Transformers? Autistimus Prime.

If you turn the word "racecar" backwards, it says "racecar".

But if you turn the racecar sideways, you have Paul Walker's blood on your hands.

This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.

Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."

How do you get more presents from Santa? You tickle his sack.

⚠️I’m not racist it’s just a joke⚠️

What do you call four black ppl in a sleeping bag?

A Kit Kat

What do you call an autistic kid coming to school with a gun?

Special Forces incoming!

What do you call a gay kid that killed himself?

A byebyesexual.

[being buried alive]

Murderer: *out of breath* How are you eating the dirt so quickly?

Me: Do you ever just walk into a room and forget what you were doing?

Bank teller: [eyes wide] Uhhhhh...

Me: *scratches head with gun* Man, I hate it when this happens.