You jokes
A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?
What do you call a knight in a cannibal village? -- Canned food.
What is the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with a light on.
What do you call a bunch of depressed kids with AK47s?
Suicide squad. 😂😂😂
The moment when she tells you: "I'm a virgin. Be gentle!" And you tell her, "Don't worry, I used to work with kids."
Memes
What do you call milk that gets everything she wants?
Spoiled milk.
A rapist walks into a school and asks if they had 5 year olds in the school, and the teacher replies, "Are you that same person who took Jimmy?"
The man replies, "Yes," and the teacher says, "Take Susie too; she's being a little bitch."
How do you escape a French prison?
Yell angrily in German!
My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.
Me: But they're not that long.
Roses are red, But grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my wiener.
Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?
Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.
Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.
Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.
So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?
... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.
What do you call a mushroom 🍄 with many friends?
A fungi.
Head teacher talking about recent vandalism during school assembly:
"And to those of you who wrote Mr. Smith's telephone number on the door of the girl's toilets, he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a 7 and not a 4."
Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?
They say he had locomotives.
I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus: "A table for 26, please." Headwaiter: "But there's only... 13 of you?" Jesus: "Yeah, we're all going to sit on the same side."
One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?" the priest asks. "Christian kittens," the little girl answers.
Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way.
A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box," he says, "It's the cutest thing!"
The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens," she says.
The priest rushes forward and says, "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were 'Christian kittens!!!'"
"They were," she says. "Now their eyes are open."
This boy heard from a friend that if you tell an adult, "I know the whole truth," they will be all weird. So he went home and told his mom, "I know the whole truth," and she gave him $20 and said to keep quiet.
Pleased, when his dad got home, he said, "I know the whole truth," and his dad gave him $40 and said, "Don't tell Mom." Really pleased, he met the mailman the next day and said, "I know the whole truth." Then the mailman got down on his knee, opened his arms, and said, "Come to daddy."