You jokes
I only have 4 moods:
• fuck this • fuck that • fuck me • fuck you
I empathize with the above, but I have an additional 4 moods to add:
• fuck yeah • fuck no • fuck my life • fuck everything
and don't forget the inevitable
• fuck it
and for those who have just given up
• fuck
This is beautiful.
Is Google a girl or a boy?
Obviously a girl, because it won't let you finish a sentence without making a suggestion.
A boy breaks a vase, and his mom says it's ok, honey, mistakes happen. How do you think you were born?
When I ask my dad if I got adopted, he said, "Not yet, no one wants you."
What is the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with a light on.
What do you call milk that gets everything she wants?
Spoiled milk.
What do you call a bunch of depressed kids with AK47s?
Suicide squad. 😂😂😂
How do you escape a French prison?
Yell angrily in German!
So, you wanna hear a joke about the wall?
... Actually, nah, you won't get over it.
What do you call a mushroom 🍄 with many friends?
A fungi.
If you think about it, the 9/11 memorial is just a scoreboard.
My friend: You really need to stop the SH jokes.
Me: But they're not that long.
Head teacher talking about recent vandalism during school assembly:
"And to those of you who wrote Mr. Smith's telephone number on the door of the girl's toilets, he would like to make it clear that the last digit is a 7 and not a 4."
Roses are red, But grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my wiener.
Kid: Dad, what is it like to be drunk?
Dad: You see those two trees over there? If you were drunk, you would see four.
Kid: Dad, there is only one tree.
Don't worry if you think your life sucks. Just remember that people are arguing over the gender of a potato head.
Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?
They say he had locomotives.
I will never forget my grandfather's last words: “The fuck you doing with that knife?”
What do you call it when a person with Down syndrome gets friendzoned?
Chromozoned.
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with you, but I will make it very fast."
"I'll throw $1,000 on the floor and by the time you bend down to pick it up, I'll be done."
She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend said, "Do it but ask him for $2,000. Then pick up the money so fast, he won't even have enough time to undress himself." She agrees.
After half an hour passes, the boyfriend calls the girlfriend and asks, "So what happened?" She responds, "The... bastard.....used.....coins."