my friend committed suicide yesterday...at least he went out with a bang
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
The weirdest thing happened yesterday. My dad came back from work...
He’s a suicide bomber.
Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.
The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday, you know Dad has a big belly and that's why mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." . Says that little boy: "But mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and sheblows his belly up again!"
An orphanage got robbed yesterday. Let's just say that's the second worst thing to happen to those orphans. At least they didn't end up like their parents.
I wrote down a speech at home yesterday. When I got to school I was speechless.
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning. Damn, I love being a sniper
Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester! :D
I called the Chinese takeaway yesterday A man picked up the phone and said: "Hello! I am wan kin the chef." I said that I'll come back later
Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when i saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month. Today i saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".
Yesterday, a guy threw a litre of milk at me.
How dairy!
You wanna know how to get rid of potential scam callers?
Next time you get a call from them just answer the phone and say "Pizza Hut abortion clinic where yesterday's loss is today's sauce, how may I help you?"
Welcome to Morgan's Morgue and Pizzaria where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!
A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The man says, "OK, give me the good news first." The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?" The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
"I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."
Me: My gf broke up with me yesterday and I had her wheel chair
Me: guess who came crawling right back
Yesterday I was fucking my sister and she said' you fuck a lot like dad I said "really mum said that too."
my friend was on wheelchair......he committed suicide yesterday, I remember when i met him last time he told us a good joke and i appreciated him and i told him to become stand up comedian.
i ate a clock yesterday. it was very time-consuming