Yesterday jokes

What a day yesterday was! I got a promotion, and my sister's killer was hit by a bus. Now I'm in a cast!

Karien: Don't care. You know what you did.

Jalie: I don't know what you mean. I did nothing! I'm telling the truth!

Karien: Sure. So you mean you never texted Oerien last night around 2:00 AM?

Jalie: NO, I NEVER DID THAT!

Karien: Jalie, stop the story telling. You were the one who had my phone yesterday. Just stop.

Yesterday, I tried to help a little girl by a road stop crying. I asked her where her parents were, and that made her cry harder. So then I asked her where her house was, and she said with tears, "I don't have one." So I got her in my car and drove her to where she said she was living. It was an orphanage.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

Yesterday, I was on a reality TV show where they locked me up with all those smelly monkeys from the Leger Zoo. It was complete madness.

"I only want to play with your daughter. It was okay yesterday."

Bro, yesterday this bird made the weirdest chirp. It sounded something like this:

"Error code 6, 4, 4, 2, sound: bird call, failed to play, government drone 0, 7, 7, 5 requires maintenance."

Anyone know what bird that is?

I pulled my kid out of school after a woke teacher taught my six-year-old about pronouns! Yesterday, it was "he/she," today, "they/it," tomorrow, "I/you/we!"

Yesterday I made a website for orphans, but it doesn't have a home.

Yesterday I made food using oil--olive oil.

(I love oil!)

Yesterday I was in a wind storm.

Today my ears hurt. I guess the wind was ear-itating.

I killed a Wood elf yesterday. The guard charged me with... mer-der.

My ex got hit by a bus yesterday. I nearly lost my job.

I met an orphan with a dog yesterday. I chose the dog.

I almost got caught trying to steal a board game yesterday.

It was a Risk I was willing to take.

Me: Sorry I couldn’t make it to school yesterday, I had an appointment.

Teacher: What kind of appointment?

Me: I had an appointment with a cut day. 😈😈😈

True story.

Hey, yesterday I played with my sister. When I woke up, she was gone.

An orphan asked if they could move into my house yesterday. I said, "Don't you have a family?"

Yesterday I saw an orphan walking down the street. I asked him if he was ok. He said no, so I asked him if he needed help. And he said yes, so I let him in my car and said, "Don't worry, you'll be home with your parents soon." He said my parents died. I said I know.

I live next to a kindergarten, and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it's me who has a drill around little children.