I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realised they didn’t fit me around the waist so I went looking for a belt. I couldn’t find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waist of time.

Why cant you fool an aborted fetus Because it wasn’t born yesterday

Why can’t you ever trick an aborted baby?

Because it wasn’t born yesterday 🤭

I accidentally bumped into a midget yesterday. Me; "Are you ok sir?" Midget; "Well, I’m not happy." Me; Well, which one are ya?

I hit myself on a window yesterday. I really felt the pane.

i told my friend an egg joke yesterday he thought it was eggcelent.

2 fe male mouse met and one spoke yesterday I met a mouse he was black and he had wings and he had some cool sharp teeth he said he only at night

other mouse : ummm…thats a bat

that asshole he told me that he is a pilot

Someone butt dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to talk to me.

I had to take my pet octopus to the vet yesterday. Oh, don’t worry, he’s okay now. But the vet charged me six quid.

MY GIRLFRIEND BROKE UP WITH ME YESTERDAY. i ASKED HER WHY. sHE SAID, BECAUSE YOU’RE A PEDOPHILE. I REPLIED, “PEDOPHILE! THAT’S A BIG WORD FOR AN EIGHT YEAR OLD.”

“I wasn’t that drunk yesterday.” “Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying.”

Yesterday I asked my friend “ What is a fish without eyes”
They replied “I don’t know” I said “ fsh “

I bought the worlds worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, its terrible.

I tried to catch fog yesterday…

Mist

Yesterday I made food using oil- Olive oil (I love oil)

Why can’t you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn’t born yesterday…

I went to the shops yesterday, I bought roast chicken, eggs and duck. The cashier read $45.99 it was an eggcelent price.

I was born yesterday and I walked down memory lane, I fell over the edge

how bad is explosive diarrhea when a muslim has it? Because my chipotle blew up yesterday.

I live next to a kindergarten and yesterday they had a fire drill. It was kinda weird because normally it’s me who has a drill around little children.

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