Yesterday jokes

A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...

Welcome to Morgan's Morgue and Pizzeria where yesterday's loss is today's sauce!

Welcome to the roadkill cafe, where yesterday's crash is today's cash.

"I wasn't that drunk yesterday."

"Oh boy, you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."

Me: My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday, and I had her wheelchair.

Me: Guess who came crawling right back?

Broke my toenail yesterday. I'm now presenting you puns/jokes:

1. "Yeah, I broke my toenail, wanna see phoTOES?" 2. "I'm tired of bandaging my toe! Oh. My. GAUZE."

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

Yesterday, I saw a "woman's rights" book in the library, so I put it in the fiction section and got kicked out.

I rode to the bottle shop on my bike yesterday. I bought a whole bottle of wine and put it in the basket on the front of my bike.

Then I thought, if I fell off my bike on the way back home, it would smash and shatter. So I drank all the wine and threw away the bottle.

It was a good idea, because I fell off my bike about four times on the way back.

Yesterday I wanted to look up the term "procrastination".

I swear, I'll do it tomorrow.

A girl said to me yesterday, "I don't know why men act like they are better than women, we all know women are supreme." I was confused, so I asked her how, and she told me, "Well, us women have a pussy, ass, and tits, while guys only have a penis. Women have 3 things while guys only have 1. Women are obviously supreme over men." I told her, "Actually, guys have more than women." "How so?" "Men have rights."

Me: I bombed the 2 tests yesterday.

Friend: What were the tests about?

Me: Japan.

I was making vegetable soup yesterday, but the wheelchair wouldn’t fit.

I work in a garage, and yesterday a gay person came up to me and said, "Why won't my car go straight?"

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

They told me throwing babies was bad, but guess what I did yesterday? I threw my baby cousin down the escalator.

So yesterday, I was at an orphanage, harassing children by twerking at them.

They burst into tears.

I was worried that they would call their mom, well... um... I got away.

I got so drunk with the guys yesterday that when the Uber driver asked how many drinks I had, I said, "Yes."

Yesterday, I was babysitting this woman's child. Everything was going perfectly.

I got hungry and called the mother. I asked if she wanted the baby back ribs I was cooking, but she said she didn't want any.

When she arrived she started screaming and ran to her child. I don't see why she was so upset, she said she didn't want any.

Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to talk to me.