Yesterday jokes

Hey guys! I'm back! Sorry I didn't post yesterday! I had swim practice, and a bunch of homework, but here I am! And here is the quote of the day!

"Push yourself, because no one will do it for you."

Love y'all so much!

I just got off the phone with Kristen Stewart yesterday. She said I was invited to her cookout this Friday. I said I'll come by and bring some drinks, like wine, beer, and liquor, so we can get our freak on all night and drink some cherry wine until daybreak ends.

My girlfriend broke up with me this morning, and we just started dating yesterday.

Now she's having a breakfast.

Don’t feel bad about this day because there’s a saying: "Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present."

That feeling when elbow surgery was yesterday.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday, which sucks because I wanted her to flow further down.

So, today is my birthday. Today, I am 13, but yesterday I am going to turn 10. But I am not even going to school to know the number ten, because one time at 10 p.m. in the morning it was so cold in my hot room, so I went outside to drive my car. But I stopped because the light turned green. I was taking a bath in the front of my car, and it didn’t have a bin, so I am taking a sh$t.

Yesterday, there was a blackout on my street.

So I sold them.

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Yesterday I went to a lightbulb party, and it was lit.

I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed a politician in the jungle yesterday?

I hear it hurt like hell.

I was just informed that my ex was stabbed yesterday. Let's just say I quit my job as a butcher.

Me: I saw your parents yesterday.

Orphan girl: Where?

Me: The coffin was still open.

"Wubba Lubba Dub Dub" is one way to describe how my inner child acts, but yesterday I killed them. Now I hear "Wubba Lubba Dub Dub," I’m drowning in the tub.

Why can't you fool an aborted baby?

Because it wasn't born yesterday.

A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...

I went to a gun shop yesterday. Everything was half off. I didn't know that back to school sales have begun.

Yesterday during the storm, there was a blackout, so I shot him.

Got a PS5 for my little brother yesterday, best trade I'd ever done.