Woman Jokes

Why can't Helen Keller drive?

Because she's a woman.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

Ariana Grande agrees with me on something: women belong in the kitchen and bedroom.

How is a woman like a condom?

Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

A doctor is telling three women what they are addicted to.

He says to the first one, "You are addicted to money, you named your daughter Penny."

He says to the second one, "You are addicted to food, you named your daughter Candy."

Then the third one whispers to her son, "Come on, Dick, let's go."

When your teacher says to write a summary of the book you read

The image shows a text that reads "Short history of Japan" followed by three pictures. The first picture depicts a Japanese Samurai warrior in traditional armor. The second is a black-and-white photo of a nuclear explosion, and the third is a young woman in a pink outfit making a cute face.

A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"

In my mother's generation, they grew up with Wonder Woman. In ours, we have to wonder if she's a woman.

I know a woman who owns a taser. -- She's stunning!

What is the difference between a snow woman and a snowman?

Snowballs.

So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"

What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn't opened her present yet.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked. The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has you picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."

Stage 4 cancer is like a woman. You can’t beat it, but if you do, she’ll probably come back again.

A woman comes to the doctor and tells her, "Doctor, my husband wants intense sex all day, what should I give him?" The doctor says, "My number."

A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.

The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"