Woman jokes
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm going to get screwed!"
What do you call a woman in a fighter jet to the right of the president?
An escort.
Why do women only use their left arm? Because they don’t have rights.
Yo momma so fake, even Barbie got jealous of her!
What does having sex with a woman and cooking an egg in a skillet have in common?
Both end with a loud annoying sound and a gooey mess to clean the shit up.
My girlfriend told me women are better at multitasking than men. So I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what...
She couldn't do either!
How do you stop a woman from choking?
Back up an inch.
"In chess, a queen can move in more directions than the king."
I mean, yeah, the chessboard looks like a kitchen floor, so-
What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most?
The “cold and passed out” kind.
Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga.
And 100% of men don’t care.
What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong.
Jugs!
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
What do nerds and chicks have in common? They both have four eyes.
Why do women rub their eyebrows? They don't got balls to scratch!
The woman had a dick, lol, it's your mom ahahahahahaha, yeah YOU! Jhon man! In New York City I am on to you! I will be under your bed tonight lol get a bodyguard!
So I ran into a woman the other day who says her vaginas is like a lottery ticket. She said it's because you have to be lucky to hit it... I thought it's because she was always scratching it.
Apparently there was a woman from Australia who had sex with 500 men in one day.
That's like a real life "Your mom" joke.
What did the man say to the woman? "Make me a sandwich."
History is mostly just a list of things men did while women were busy making sure they didn't die of scurvy.