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I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff

A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks "What’s got you down" The man says “I just found out my Niece is gay.” The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks “What’s got you down now?” The man says "I just found out my son is gay." The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says "Got anybody who likes Women?" The man says “My wife does.”

When I hired a asian detective to see if my wife was cheating on me, I got this letter:

Mr. Wong- I see he so I climb up tree, he knock on door and she let in he, she talks to he, he talks to she, he undress she, she undress he, she play with he, he play with she, I play with me, I fall out tree, I no see… No fee.

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break. The first guy says “If I get a vegimite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.” The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”. The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” The next day the first guy gets a vegimite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All 3 guys jump of the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals the first wife says “If he just told me I would have given him a different sandwich.” The second guys wife says “It is all my fault. If only I knew.” The third wife says “I don’t get it, he makes his own lunch.”

A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, “her life.”

What do you do when you hear your wife squirming around in the back yard? Reload…chhchhhh

A wife and husband had been on a strict diet and the wife said yaknow weve been good about our diet lets have a cheat night tonight. The wife came home with kfc and wendys. the husband came home with sylvia from the office.

What did Steven Hawkins wife say to him having sex ? Your wheelie good at this

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m. and his wife is livid. “You swore that you’d be home by 11:45!” “No,” slurs the mathematician, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

What do you call Steven Hawkins wife? Siri

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral. This friend asks his wife "Can I say a word?" “Of course” she says. The man stands up and says "Plethora" The man’s wife says “Thanks, it means a lot”

What’d the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife?

“Hottie hottie hottie hoe!”

Paddys beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 yrs they have been married . The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex and a cool breeze may help . Being a bit of a cheapo , he decides not to buy a fan , but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act . After half an hour, still no sign of success so his mate suggests swapping places . ’ I’ll have a try Paddy , you waft the towel ' Paddy agrees , and after two or three minutes Paddys wife has a moment of sexual pleasure screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years . Paddy taps his mate Mick on teh shoulder and says ‘And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel’ !

So a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on; Doctor: “so your wife she is paralyzed from the neck down” and as the doctor goes he says all the things the man must do for her like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says " why, WHY ME!" Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the mans ear and says " I’m just f...in with u she’s DEAD!"

What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted? Nothing… wife couldn’t tell.

What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

Wait, I can explain everything!

how do you know when your wife is cheating on you?

  • she comes home with sparkles on her face

How did Stephen Hawking really die…his wife grounded him from using electronics and unplugged everything

My wife wanted a present that could go from Zero to 80 very quickly.

So I got her a new set of bathroom scales.