What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted? Nothing… wife couldn’t tell.

What’d the fox say when he was asked to describe his wife?

“Hottie hottie hottie hoe!”

When I hired a asian detective to see if my wife was cheating on me, I got this letter:

Mr. Wong- I see he so I climb up tree, he knock on door and she let in he, she talks to he, he talks to she, he undress she, she undress he, she play with he, he play with she, I play with me, I fall out tree, I no see… No fee.

What’s the difference between a potted plant and your wife?

The first is easier to bury.

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy “What’s going on here!?” He exclaims. The wife replies “See, I told you he was stupid.”

What did the String Theorist say when his wife caught him in bed with another woman?

Wait, I can explain everything!

One time, I bought a magnet, my wife asked why I bought it. I said I couldn’t help myself, I felt attracted to it.

Why did Jack throw his alarm clock out the window?

Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who was accused of knife-raping his wife

What’s 8 inches long, pink, and my wife screams when I put it in her mouth?

-her miscarriage

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park. Lord: Has something happened while I was gone? Gardener: Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burrying your dog. Lord: My dog died?! Gardener: Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down. Lord: My mansion?! How?! Gardener: Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains. Lord: Why was she so distraught? Gardener: She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped. Lord: My daughter! Don’t you have any positive news for me?! Gardener: Oh right! Your cancer test results!

why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

What do you call a wife who knows where her husband is at all times?

A widow.

What is 6" long, bright red and your wife cries when you feed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

The other day my wife said "take me someplace I have never been before, I said why don’t you try the kitchen! "

Doctor: Madam, Your Husband Needs Rest And Peace So Here Are Some Sleeping Pills.

Wife: Doctor, When Should I Give Them To Him?

Doctor: They Are For You.!!

Julius’s wife always stands behind him. Therefore, whenever he looks in the mirror, he sees her (Caesar).

When Caesar’s wife told him she dreamed he should beware the Ides of March, he scoffed and said, “What? It’s not like I’m gonna be stabbed 23 times by my best buddies!”

“guess what my wife left in the freezer”

“her miscarriage”

Whats better than throwing up a stillborn? Making your wife eat it again

What is black, white, and red all over?

My third wife.

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