Wife jokes
I was tickling my son’s feet yesterday, and my wife said, "Wait until he’s born."
My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...
What happened?
Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
How do you tell when your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
My wife is so fat, I took her to the Macy's Day parade. They attached ropes to her.
My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.
What do you call Stephen Hawking's wife? Siri.
Random couple after their first night:
Husband: It was very tasty. 🥵
Wife: Aww, thanks.
Husband: Does anyone had taste it before?
Wife: ☠️
I like my bread how I like my wife: cold and stiff.
How did the guy greet his wife?
"Howdy, sister!"
My wife and children are leaving me over my obsession with horse racing.
And they're off!
My wife is the only person that has "missing" posters attached to her ass.
How do you know if your wife is dead?
Sex is the same, but the dishes keep piling up.
Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark, I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly.
Wife: Stop telling rape jokes, it's not funny. Husband: Who raped you this morning?
A week before Christmas my wife left me. She said I was too selfish and full of myself and she could not take it anymore.
On Christmas Eve, Santa asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I said, "All I want is the one I love more than anyone else in the world."
On Christmas morning I woke up in a box under my Christmas tree.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"
The horse replies, "My wife just died of cancer, and my alcohol addiction is tearing my family apart."
The bartender responds, saying "Oh" sympathetically. "Sucks to be you!" the bartender yells, throwing a bottle of wine at the horse.
What happened the night Stephen Hawking came home wasted?
Nothing... wife couldn’t tell.
My best friend ran away with my wife. I really miss him.
My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.
Who's the smallest wife??
Micro-wife.