Wife jokes
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
How do you stop a rape victim from speaking out?
Marry her.
Man: I must confess, Father.
Priest: What are you here to confess?
Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.
Priest: And what happened to your son?
Man: He said a man raped him.
Priest: When and where did this happen?
Man: A local church. I don't know which one.
Priest: ...By whom?
Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.
Priest: ...Shit
I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.
As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?
When I went to the doctor, he pulled his wife in and said, "What do you see?"
I replied, "A fat bitch." He said, "Ok, your eyesight is perfect."
A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden Bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn, comes in to take a piss. The man can't help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised at how well endowed he is, and he asks: "Bubba, what's your secret?"
Bubba replies: "Well, every night before I get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The man was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night, before he went to bed with his wife. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says "Bubba, is that you?"
I have an announcement, Shadow the Hedgehog is a bitch ass motherfucker. He pissed on my fucking wife and he said he dick was this big and I said that's disgusting, so I'm making a callout post on my twitter dot com. Shadow, u got a small dick it looks like this walnut except way smaller.
How many wives does Santa have?
Ho Ho Ho!
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.
The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”
Tony's wife got a divorce from Tony. She said she wanted to be an independent woman.
Days later, Tony's wife had an accident. Guess who's crawling back for help. 💀
Husband: Can we try anal tonight? Wife: Fuck that shit! Husband: That's the spirit!
Levon Aronian's wife died in a car crash. That's wheelie unfortunate.
Our Human Services Minister is just mad because his wife cheated on him 20 years ago.
With their brother.
What did the cops say when someone called him racist?
"How can I be racist? My wife's eye is black."
I was outside digging a six-foot hole when I found a treasure box with jewels and shiny gems! I almost went inside to tell my wife, then I remembered why I was digging the hole.
My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and went right.
Random couple after their first night:
Husband: It was very tasty. 🥵
Wife: Aww, thanks.
Husband: Does anyone had taste it before?
Wife: ☠️
What's the last thing Asians hear from their parents?
"My money is my money. Your money is my money. Your wife's money is my money. Always remember that, son."
So this dude comes home from work one day, and his wife is watching the Food Network.
The husband asks, "Why do you watch that? You still can't cook," and the wife responds, "Why do you watch porn? You still can't f*ck."
Chuck Norris is the only man that ever had sex with my wife and survived. Oh, how did I survive?
Fortunately, being her husband, I was the one person she wasn't fucking.