Wife Jokes

Today was a terrible day. My wife got hit by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

I comforted my friend about his wife's death, until I found out who did it.

A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."

A wife is like a grenade. Pull the ring and the house is gone.

It's only okay to beat up a dwarf when they walk up to your wife and say, "Your hair smells nice."

Hm, free food

The image shows a Chinese restaurant sign that offers discounts for bringing a girlfriend or wife and a free meal for bringing both. Below, there's an image of Wario looking upset with the text "I've won...but at what cost?"

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.

My wife asked me to help cure her from sucking her thumb. So I drew a cock on it.

I thought my wife was joking when she said she was gonna leave me because I wouldn’t stop singing “I'm a believer,” but then I saw her face.

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."

Three construction workers were sitting on the bridge that they were building, having their lunch break. The first guy says, "If I get a Vegemite sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The second guy says, "If I get a peanut butter sandwich again, I am going to jump off this bridge." The third guy says, "If I get another strawberry jam sandwich, then I am going to jump off this bridge." The next day, the first guy gets a Vegemite sandwich, the second guy gets a peanut butter sandwich, and the third guy gets a strawberry jam sandwich. All three guys jump off the bridge and die. The next day at their funerals, the first wife says, "If he just told me, I would have given him a different sandwich." The second guy's wife says, "It is all my fault. If only I knew." The third wife says, "I don't get it, he makes his own lunch."

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

Me and my wife were out at dinner. Me being 48 and her being 19, people were screaming at us and calling me a creep. It really ruined our 10th anniversary.