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H: walks into bedroom Why are you packing your bags?

W: I heard in New York women get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.

Later that day

W: walks into the bedroom to see husband packing his bags What are you doing?

H: I’m going with you. I want to see how you live off of $800 a year.

I haven’t talked to my wife in three weeks. – I didn’t want to interrupt her.

An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee, A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after awhile and says, “Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in”.

A man got in a bad car accident. He was at risk of losing his arm. The doctors had to perform complicated surgery on his arm. The man’s wife visited after the surgery. The doctor came up to her and said: "I have good news and bad news." The wife said: "What’s the good news? “We managed to save his arm.” “What’s the bad news?” “We couldn’t save the rest of him.”

The cops are still searching for my wife’s killer. Luckily I already fled the country.

why did stephen hawkins wife get annoyed with him? He had an affair with Alexa

It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. ‘No,’ says the neighbor. ‘The seat is empty.’ ‘This is incredible,’ said the man. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?’ The neighbor says, ‘Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.’ ‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible….But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbor to take her seat?’ The man shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

An artist is commissioned to create a painting celebrating Soviet-Polish friendship, to be called “Lenin in Poland.” When the painting is unveiled at the Kremlin, there is a gasp from the invited guests. The painting depicts Lenin’s wife naked in bed with Leon Trotsky.

“But this is a travesty! Where is Lenin?” Asks one of the guests.

“Lenin is in Poland,” replies the painter.

Why did Stephan Hawkins and his wife stop playing hide and seek - she kept using a metal detector

The doctor says “your wife is PREGNENT” the man says that he used a condom and the doctor says "ya but I didn’t

what do you get when you play a country song backwards? you get your wife, your house, and your kids back

My best friend ran away with my wife I really miss him

My wife went to make a cake the recipe said separate two eggs so she put one egg in the living room

So I was f...ing my daughter the other day and my wife walked in… I don’t know what was funnier the look on her face or that the abortion clinic let me keep her

An American woman married a British man. On their honeymoon, the British husband said, ¨You look like a million pounds!¨ The wife divorced him.

My wife left me for an Indian guy. – I know he’s going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.

What do you do when your dish washer stops working

Hit your wife harder

A husband walks into his house to find his wife watching Gordan Ramsey’s F-king cooking show! Husband:STOP WATCHING THAT F-KING SHIT!!! YOU CAN’T COOK TO SAVE YOUR LIFE!!! WIFE: SO WHAT??! YOU WATCH P... DON’T YOU!!!

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila

why does dr. pepper come in a bottle his wife died