Wife jokes

The vampire was kept awake all night because of his wife's coughin' (coffin...coughin'...get it?)

Who is Stephen Hawking's wife?

The American Siri.

Scissoring is nice when I grind my wee wee on my wife’s clit.

Humping that little guy is like riding a wet butt plug.

I like my wife like I like my coffee: so sweet, it gives me headaches.

What cigarettes does Churchill's wife like to smoke?

Blue Winston.

I was digging in a garden once and found a chest full of gold. I wanted to show my wife, but then I thought about why I was digging in the first place.

The highest praise my wife gave to me was when she told me, "The best feminine attribute on your body as a woman would be your p🍆nis." 🥰

Farmer's Wife: Honey, where are the cows?

Farmer: Up in the mountains grazing.

Farmer's Wife: Why?

Farmer: I don't know, but the steaks have never been higher.

A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."

What did Stephen Hawking's wife say to him when he came home drunk?

Nothing... she couldn't tell.

Why does my cheating ex-wife wear a colostomy bag?

She lost her ass playing poker...

My wife's always nagging me. "You don't let me have any friends, I abuse her, and I'm always coming back late." So I thought I would treat her. I popped up in the attic and introduced her to two women.

My wife said I acted like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

Why did the Mexican man throw his wife out of the window...

Ta kill her.

At my sample place, I handed my wife a fork and I lost my job.

A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and yells, "Who the fuck fucked my wife?" The guy behind the bar says, "Mate, you don't have enough bullets!"

My wife and I went to the bar to get a drink, but 2 mins later, I see her dead on the ground. I guess she couldn't see the bottle flying at her face. Then I laughed and went home.

My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.

I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.

They say the polar ice caps are melting, good, because my wife's a fat, cold bitch.

If your wife says: “What would you most like to do to my body?” “Identify it” is the wrong answer.