Wife jokes

My wife said she wanted steamed vegetables with her steak, so I put her father in the hot tub.

My wife treats me like God!

She takes no notice of my existence until she wants something.

Wife: I’m pregnant.

Husband: Hi pregnant, I’m dad.

Wife: No, you’re not.

What’s the difference between Geico and a wife?

Geico saves you more.

Why would Tommy kill Philza's wife just to make Phil believe she didn't exist?

LIKE AND SUB IF YOU LI/j

A few days after her husband’s death, a widow accidentally receives an email from a man waiting for his wife in Spain.

The email reads: "Dearest Wife, just got checked in. Everything [is] prepared for your arrival tomorrow. P. S. It’s really hot down here!"

Husband: Honey, do you want sex?

Wife: No, thanks, I have a headache.

Husband: Is that your final answer?

Wife: Mmmmm.

Husband: Are you sure?

Wife: Yes.

Husband: No doubts?

Wife: No.

Husband staring a long time at his wife.

Husband: Okay, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend.

Husband: Dammit, Alice! I'm your husband, and I'm telling you that you better stay in this kitchen if you know what's good for you!

Wife: Go to hell, Bob! I'm leaving!

Ignoring my protective advice, Alice stormed out of our underground kitchen, even though it was the safest place to be while the nuclear war still raged outside.

Why are wives also called a housekeeper?

Because after the divorce, they keep the house.

A man marries a blonde chick, lives a happy life together, and the man asks his wife if she wants kids. She says "yes".

So, a couple of years go by, and they have one boy and one girl. They go to school, go home with their report cards, and the dad asks what their grades were. The son says he's not doing well, same with the daughter. They ask why they're doing so bad in school, and the dad replies with "ask your mother that question!"

I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.

My wife left a note on the fridge. The note read, "It's not working." I don't know what she's talking about. I opened the fridge, and it worked fine!

How do you stop a rape victim from speaking out?

Marry her.

Man: I must confess, Father.

Priest: What are you here to confess?

Man: I hit my wife and blamed her for what happened to our son.

Priest: And what happened to your son?

Man: He said a man raped him.

Priest: When and where did this happen?

Man: A local church. I don't know which one.

Priest: ...By whom?

Man: A priest, he said. He said the priest had black hair and blue eyes, kind of like you.

Priest: ...Shit

So this is how I got divorced.

On my birthday my boss, who was a hot sexy woman who I have always had an eye on her huge ass and tits, wished me happy birthday and took me to her house. She went into the shower and came out dressed and this made me disappointed. But then she stripped off and made my dick go into her pussy and before I could realize I heard her main door creak. And in came my wife, mum, and my 2 kids, 8 years old and 12 years old. Although my wife joined in, she was mad after since that was not my wife, that was my wife's twin sister. Do not know why woman these days are like this!!!!!!!!!!

I walk in from work to find my wife dead on the sofa.

As I unzip for one last ride, she says, "BOO!" What kind of sick fuck does that?

A man goes to a doctor and says he's having problems shitting, so the doctor gives him an enema and says he needs to do it a few times at home, but does the first one for him. So the guy bends over the table, lubes him up, and shoves it deep in him, and he yells.

So later, the man goes home and tells his wife he needs her help with the enema. So he bends over, she lubes him up, puts a hand on his shoulder, and she shoves it up there, and he starts screaming and cussing, and the wife asks, "Did I hurt you?" He said, "No, I just realized when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders."

When I went to the doctor, he pulled his wife in and said, "What do you see?"

I replied, "A fat bitch." He said, "Ok, your eyesight is perfect."

A man was shaving in the bathroom when all of a sudden Bubba, the boy he payed to mow his lawn, comes in to take a piss. The man can't help but look over his shoulder and he is surprised at how well endowed he is, and he asks: "Bubba, what's your secret?"

Bubba replies: "Well, every night before I get in bed with a woman I whack my dick on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The man was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night, before he went to bed with his wife. So he got to bed and whacked his dick on the bedpost three times and the wife wakes up and says "Bubba, is that you?"

How many wives does Santa have?

Ho Ho Ho!