Paternity jokes
Little Johnny was told by his friend that if you go to your parents and say: "I know the truth," they give you money.
So Little Johnny says to his mum, "I know the truth," so his mum hands him 20 dollars and tells him not to tell anyone. So when Little Johnny’s dad gets home, Little Johnny says, "I know the truth." His dad hands him $50 and says not to tell anyone. So Little Johnny tries it on the postman and says, "I know the truth," and the postman says, "Come here, son."
Was drinking in a bar with this girl when I suddenly blacked out. The next morning I received a letter saying they are processing my child benefits application, dafaq? I never had kids.
Luigi was dying and had two sons. Bruno was handsome, but Alberto was ugly.
He said, "Maria, tell me, is Alberto my son?"
"Yes, Luigi," his wife said, and he died happily.
Wife said, "Thank God he didn’t ask about the other one!"
What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?
One says, "God is my father." The other says, "Who's the father and who is my son?"
My wife is pregnant, but when we get to the doctors, something happened...
What happened?
Answer: The husband is pregnant too, with someone else’s baby, not the wife’s baby, but the wife is pregnant with his baby.
Why can't orphans make dad jokes? Because they don't have one.
Why can't an orphan have milk?
His dad didn't come back with the milk.
What did the black kid say when he went to the confession booth?
"Daddy?"
My father is like Houdini. When he heard his girlfriend was pregnant, he disappeared.
What does a mother fear most?
Hearing "YOU ARE NOT THE FATHER!" for 5 different men.
Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”
Why do Black people go to church so much?
Because the priest is the only father they know.
Many years of sex in the dark.
The wife finds out he was using a dildo. The wife gets angry and says, "Explain the dildo, prick!"
The husband says, "Explain the children, bitch!"
What’s the difference between you and Jesus? We know who Jesus’s dad was.
What's the difference between you and your sister?
Your dad.
A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad. "What's the matter?" asks the bartender.
"My paternal uncle died three months ago."
"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My maternal uncle died two months ago."
"Two uncles in two months? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that either. He left me half of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My father died last month."
"Your dad too? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me his entire estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
With a massive sob, the guy says, "None of my relatives died this month!"
The police: Pull over!
The kid: Do you know who my dad is?
The police: What, your mom did not tell you?
A husband and a wife have four children. The oldest three are tall with blonde hair. The youngest is short with brown hair. The husband was on his deathbed and said, "Honey, can you be completely honest with me? Is our youngest son mine?" The wife says, "I swear to all that is holy, he is your son." Then the husband died and the wife muttered, "Thank god he didn't ask about the other three."
You're not my dad.
Why can't orphans stand Darth Vader?
Because he's their father.