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Whos

Whos jokes

A guy walks into a bar with a revolver and yells, “WHO THE FUCK FUCKED MY WIFE!”

A man in the back responds, “YOU AIN'T GOT ENOUGH BULLETS MATE!”

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens?

When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach!"

Knock, knock.

(Who’s there?)

It’s the police, ma’am, your son got hit by a drunken driver. He’s dead.

"Did you hear about the guy who got the left side of his body amputated? He’s all right now."

"Did you hear about the flasher who exposed himself to two elderly ladies in Central Park? One had a stroke. The other couldn’t quite reach."

"I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date.

"That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?"

"I'm a butcher," he says.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims – they went 89 stories in ten seconds.

A local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing bet of one thousand dollars that their bartender could squeeze a lemon dry until all the juice ran into a glass, and anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried but failed. Over time, weight lifters, lumberjacks, men in the Army, and etc. But still, nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in wearing thick glasses and a cheap suit and said in a tiny squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "okay," and he grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rhine to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the one thousand dollars and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man simply replied, "I work for the IRS."

If a blind person can’t see, then do they sleep?

They’re the night watchers while people who see sleep.

There's nothing quite like being told I'm wrong by someone who depends on me for food, clothing, and shelter.

Wade, you're a joke. The worst joke.

Hoped this would be a safer, more fun place to talk to my BP friends, but I guess not.

I've also learned that some people think "worst jokes ever" = "terrible unfunny jokes that make light of people who died horribly or otherwise suffered" instead of things like "why did the chicken cross the road?"-type jokes.

Maybe I'm just too old at this point.

Did you hear about the woman who couldn't stop collecting magazines? She had issues.

Did you hear about the guy who drank invisible ink? He's at the hospital waiting to be seen.