When jokes

What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby?

The baby doesn't cry when you chop it.

The farmers were playing chess, and the winner shouted and said: "I killed your horse!"

The second quickly left, and when he returned he said: "We have poisoned all your cows!"

At what point does a joke become a dad joke?

When it disappears and never returns home.

Due to her death, you can no longer get a letter from the Queen when you turn 100.

Instead, you now receive a text from Prince Andrew when you turn 14.

Why do emos suck at playing tic-tac-toe on their wrists?

Because when they win, they lose.

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

When the emo girl is in a movie and the director says, "Cut."

When I was recently standing in front of a huge puddle with my buddy, I remembered how he tricked me a week ago. So I tricked him...

The brain named itself, and when the brain realized that it named itself, it was surprised.

But maybe, it was a spelling mistake and the brain wanted the name Brian. We all have a little Brian in us!

What's the difference between a baby and a bowling ball?

A bowling ball doesn't cry when you put your fingers in it.

What do you get when you mix a grizzly bear and milk? Mauled.

I was digging in my garden when I found this chest of gold coins.

I wanted to run inside to tell my wife what I found, but that's when I remembered why I was digging.

I hate it when you say your life is a joke because a joke actually has meaning.

What happens when you have dry elbows at work?

You don't have any elbow grease to put into it.

The north and south towers got into an argument.

The south tower said, "We will talk about this when we are on the ground."

What was the weather forecast when the planes hit the World Trade Center? Partly cloudy with scattered passengers!

Roses are red, Violets are blue, When life gets tough, I'll stand by you.

Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.

To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."

Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

When does a cub become a Boy Scout?

When he eats his first brownie.

You know, you should adopt a pet. So then you can feel the pain that your parents felt when they adopted you... wait... also the regret after.