When jokes

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

Why do people hit their electronics when they don’t work?

You keep the tradition of hitting black things.

What did God say when he made the first black man?

"Crap, I burnt one!"

What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?

The sound when they hit the windshield.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

What do you call it when Panera Bread goes to space?

Good question.

What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?

Panera Behead.

There are 206 bones in the human body.

207 when I'm at a nursery.

Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.

You have a father figure.

Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

Marriage is really educational.

When I was single, I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put a fork in the dishwasher.

What do you call it when Panera Bread commits genocide?

Panera bloodshed.

What do you call it when someone lies to Panera Bread?

Panera misled.

Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.

Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.

When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”

When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.