When jokes

How do blind people know when to stop wiping?

With a taste test.

Your dad is so f**king fat that when he bends over and comes back up, it's the next day.

What do you get when you cross cow DNA with human DNA?

Kicked out of the petting zoo.

Why the hell would I go to a shooting range when I could go to school and do it for free?

My grandma always looks at me when we go to a wedding and says, "You’re next!"

When we attend a funeral, I say, "You’re next!"

My son told me he wanted to be Batman when he grows up. That little shit wants to be gunned down in an alley.

What did God say when he made the first black man?

"Crap, I burnt one!"

What’s the difference between a fly and Lady Diana?

The sound when they hit the windshield.

I hooked up with my German girlfriend, but I kept on getting distracted when she kept yelling her age.

The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"

It takes a lot of trust for two cannibals to gluck gluck each other. You never know when it's goodbye willy.

What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.

What's the difference between a casino and a church?

You actually mean it when you pray at a casino.

When a woman says, "I need to be treated like a delicate flower," don't cut the wrong cord on the bomb.

How do you know when you have been invited to a gay barbecue?

When you are unable to distinguish foot-long hot dogs from long and thick big dicks, regardless of skin color.

What does a physicist call it when a suicidal person is high up? Potential energy.

Q: What's the difference between a CEO and a beer can?

A: Beer cans don't bleed when they get shot.

When a baby was born to a slave, did the slave owners hang a "Bred in Captivity" sign above the crib?

What does Michael Joseph Jackson say to adults when he sees them?

Keep away from me-hee-hee.