When jokes

I hate it when you say your life is a joke because a joke actually has meaning.

Little Johnny is with his dad behind a garbage truck when a dildo thumps the windshield.

To protect Little Johnny's innocence, he says, "That was an insect."

Little Johnny replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

What do you call it when Panera Bread commits genocide?

Panera bloodshed.

What do you call it when Panera Bread decapitates someone?

Panera Behead.

When a "Baby on Board" sticker is a little faded and beat up, you know the kid is at least a year old, and the car is safe to ram.

When I bring someone breakfast in bed, I want to hear a thank you. And no, “What are you doing in my house?”

When I was a kid, my father would tell me that the black Santa Claus was coming to our house for Christmas. So, instead of putting out cookies and milk, we would put out cornbread and purple Kool-Aid.

The worst part about working for the department of unemployment is when you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.

There are 206 bones in the human body.

207 when I'm at a nursery.

Don't listen to people when they say you have a dad bod. You don't.

You have a father figure.

What's the difference between a salad and a baby? People don't usually scream when you shake around a salad.

Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night.

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

What do bubbles get when they’re sick?

The suds.

What does a car have when it's very itchy?

A road rash.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?

"Where's my tractor!"

They don't have parents because they left when you were 0.

Hi! I love when you walk in and out the door at night. I did not.

When are you from Iowa? You know!!! 🚗