When jokes

Woman: What’s a good comeback for my sexist husband when he tells me to go make him a sandwich?

Husband: I know! How about you COMEBACK with a goddamn sandwich?

Yo mama so strict that when Ponyboy told her that Darry hit him, she called the cops on Darry.

What did the sweet potato say to the potato when he was told to hurry?

I yam.

When my dog barks, he gets ruff.

You are what happens when women drink during pregnancy.

Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.

What do trans men and Pinocchio have in common?

Both are lying when they say, "I'm a real boy."

Yo mama so fat, when she takes an elevator, it ALWAYS goes down!

What did the house painter ask when he went to the abortion clinic?

"Where do you keep the cans of paint?"

Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

When the school shooter kills five people, and the autistic kid yells, "Heroes never die!"

When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.

Why did the Democrats act like an asshole when Rush Limbaugh was alive?

Because they fear him.

Jack and Molly are sitting in school one day.

Molly is asleep when the teacher asks her a question, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"

Jack sees Molly is sleeping and quickly pokes her with a sharp pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" shouts Molly.

"Correct," says the teacher.

The next day the teacher asks, "Molly, who created Heaven and Earth?"

Molly is again asleep and is poked by Jack's pencil.

"Jesus Christ almighty!" she shouts.

"Correct again," says the teacher.

The next day, for a 3rd time, Molly is asleep.

This time the teacher asks her, "What did Eve say to Adam when she had so many children?"

Jack pokes Molly with the pencil again, and this time Molly screams "If you stick that thing in me one more time I'm going to crack it in half!"

What's the difference between a plane and a woman?

At least the plane doesn't give you herpes when it crashes at your place.

What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians? One hundred people who don't do dick.

Here’s another joke my friend told me.

What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.

What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.

How did Jesus kill himself?

He fell from his bike.

How many times did he die?

Once on a bike and once when he fell from a cloud in Heaven.

Your mama is so fat, when she went camping, the bears hid their food from her.