When jokes
I got in trouble in school today. The teacher said, "I'm gonna call your parents!"
I said, "Let me know when you find them." <3
Where did little billy go when he was stuck in a minefield... everywhere.
That joke was pretty dark, but it got pretty light for a second.
Me when the your, uh, uhhhh, when your me when the your, uhhh, uhhhhh, mom.
Your hairline is so far back that when I put on my glasses, I thought I saw an "M" for McDonald's on your hairline.
Why was the orphan so successful?
Because when he was told "go big or go home," he only had one option.
Memes
My face when one of the boys gets off for his girl
Q: How do you know when Putin is lying?
A: His lips move.
What happens when the Freedom Towers got hit? They step in Ground Zero.
What does a gun and gum have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.
When your plane heads for New York...
Think about how many more girls we guys could get if we talked to them how we talk to other guys, like when they say, "Can I borrow a pencil?" You say, "You can borrow this hard wood dick."
When does a pentagon have 4 sides?
When a plane is in one of the sides.
Your mom is so fat that when she saw Moby Dick, she said, "We are family... even though you're bigger than me."
When you're watching "Gnomeo and Juliet 2" and your dad walks in on the gnome shaking his butt.
If you’re American when you go in the bathroom...
... and American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?
European.
What do you call Joyce when she's running from the Russians?
Winona Hider.
My friend was in Afghanistan when he saw someone got shot, and then they bombed him. Now he called them the "Talkwakers."
A teenage girl got a summer job dogsitting for a gigantic English Mastiff. She spent hours with the dog, and walked a little funny when she got home.
"What are you doing all day?"
"Knot a lot."
Q: Why do orphans work at Olive Garden?
A: Because when you're there, you're family.
What is it called when two Mexicans play basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Someone said to me when it was winter it[’]s time for you to “chill out.” I was like 👁👄👁