When jokes

When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.

Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!

2k14 was so realistic when I switched to Kobe, the pass button stopped working.

Yo mama is so fat that when she was at school, they needed a satellite to take her school photo.

When I called the suicidal hotline in Iraq, they asked if I could drive the car.

Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.

Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?

Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.

I was born and raised in Newcastle.

My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.

What's the difference between soccer and a dead baby?

I don't wear steel cap boots when I play soccer.

When I feel depressed, I like to cut myself another piece of cake.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back...

When you step on the scales, it says "to be confined."

When you're at a funeral and you laugh at the body... everyone stares, and one person said, "Isn't that your mom...?"

I wish that when Mario dies to some random object, I died too.

What do you get when you mix a lemon and a cat?

A sourpuss.

What happens to a baby when you let it run loose? It can't cause it can't run yet.

One day I went to smoke weed with some Mexicans, but they ran away when I asked if they had papers.

What do you get when you cross a lawn mower and a parakeet?

Shredded tweet!

Yo mama so fat, when she goes on a diet, it ends world hunger.

Why do they call them apartments when they are together?

What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual pedophile for Christmas?

He said he was awfully touched!

Fat people should expect big things when they take their shirt off.