When jokes

Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

A: You slap her.

Why are orphans always so successful? Because when they're told "go big or go home," they only have one option.

What did Cinderella say when she sat on Pinocchio? "Lie to me."

What time is it when you get home, can you walk walk home, and walk walk home from school, and walk walk home from school, and walk walk home from school, and walk walk home from school, and walk walk home from school, and walk walk home from school, and walk walk home from school, and walk walk home from school?

Hi.

Why are babies called bundles of joy?

When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.

Note to self.

When baking for the holidays, don't Google "creampies".

Google "cream pie recipes".

Johnny was watching TV when he heard them say "bitch" and "bastard," so he asked his dad, "What is a bitch and bastard?"

Dad said, "A bitch is a female, and a bastard is a male."

Then Johnny goes back to the TV and hears them say "ass" and "shit," so he asks his dad what "shit" and "ass" means. Dad says, "A shit is shaving cream, like what I'm putting on my face, and ass is a coat. Why don't you bug your mom?"

So Johnny goes back to the TV, and then they say "fuck," so Johnny asks his mom what "fuck" means. Mom says, "Fuck means carving, like doing to the turkey." Then a few minutes later, Johnny hears a knock on the door, so he answers it. He then says, "Welcome, bitch and bastard, may I tack your ass?" The people then ask where his parents are. Johnny says, "My dad is putting shit on his face, and my mom is fucking the turkey."

What time is it when you walk out to the school?

Time to go to school!

My mom tells me when I get into an argument with her that she brought me into this world and she can take me out. Sometimes I wanna tell her that I can do that for her.

I took my pony to the vet because I thought he was making a funny noise when he neighed. The vet said everything was okay and he was just a little horse.

I was gobsmacked when I encountered the Jacko special at a Bunnings sausage sizzle. A 40-year-old sausage on 7-year-old white bread.

What's in a man's mouth when he realizes he's gay?

A dick.

What did the Mexican man say when his house fell on him?

"Get off me homes."

How do you catch a polar bear?

Cut a hole in the ice, put peas around it, when the polar bear goes to take a pea, you kick him in the ice hole.

Yo momma is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight, not your phone number."

When your girl is sucking your dick and chokes on it, not because it’s big but because you haven’t washed it in weeks.

Dogs say woof.

Cows say moo.

Idiots say, "The site will be less dead when school starts again!"

Yo mama is so ugly, when she went for plastic surgery, they accidentally gave her face a Brazilian Butt Lift!

When you forget the pinata at the birthday party. The kids: "Aww man." But the emo kid just hung himself. Kids: "Yaaaaayyy." Parents: "Adjust, improvise, overcome, that is the way."

Yo mama so ugly, when she sweats, the sweat runs down the back of her head to avoid her face.