When jokes
Jesus will be history when I realize he's behind me.
I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.
Knock knock. Who's there? Artichokes. Artichokes who? Artichokes when he eats too fast.
My balls are high, just like the towers, but when something impales them, they begin to sag.
Why do orphans become criminals when they grow up? Because they want to be wanted.
Real
When you step on the scales, it says "to be confined."
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
When they said Titanic was "unsinkable," then they said, "The World Trade Centers was uncollapsible."
How do you know when it's bedtime in the Netherlands?
When the big hand touches the little hand.
Fat people should expect big things when they take their shirt off.
Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.
Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?
Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.
When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.
Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!
When I called the suicidal hotline in Iraq, they asked if I could drive the car.
What happens to a baby when you let it run loose? It can't cause it can't run yet.
What did the pretty young pre-pubescent 14 year old boy say when he got a homosexual pedophile for Christmas?
He said he was awfully touched!
One day I went to smoke weed with some Mexicans, but they ran away when I asked if they had papers.
I wish that when Mario dies to some random object, I died too.
Yo mama so fat, when she goes on a diet, it ends world hunger.
When you’re trying to attract a partner, it’s important to project the qualities you desire. Shit, have I had to suck a lot of cock lately!?
What do you get when you cross a lawn mower and a parakeet?
Shredded tweet!