When jokes

What happened when the Japanese guy offered Logan Paul a high five?

He left him hanging.

Ok, so I have a joke for you, go look in the mirror and when you realize, come back to me and tell me.

What's the difference between soccer and a dead baby?

I don't wear steel cap boots when I play soccer.

When I feel depressed, I like to cut myself another piece of cake.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back...

Your mama is so fat that when she sat down on the couch for a family picture, it was just her.

When you were born, you were so ugly that the doctors slapped your parents!

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

When you step on the scales, it says "to be confined."

When they said Titanic was "unsinkable," then they said, "The World Trade Centers was uncollapsible."

How do you know when it's bedtime in the Netherlands?

When the big hand touches the little hand.

What do crows use when they get a phone?

A "CAWing" card!

Don’t you hate it when your teacher(s) say, “just focus, it’s that easy?”

And then you die inside.

What time is it when you get a chance to take a car and drive all over?

Time to get in trouble!

What did Jesus say when they removed the nails from his hands?

"Feet! Feet!"

When I called the suicidal hotline in Iraq, they asked if I could drive the car.

Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.

Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?

Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.

When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.

Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!

2k14 was so realistic when I switched to Kobe, the pass button stopped working.

I was born and raised in Newcastle.

My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.