When jokes

What happens when you have a kid with Tourette's and a hair trigger?

The Las Vegas shooting.

Where do you take Stephen Hawking when he dies?

The Apple repair store.

When I went to the doctor, he pulled his wife in and said, "What do you see?"

I replied, "A fat bitch." He said, "Ok, your eyesight is perfect."

Yo Mama so fat that when she took a photo of herself to get it printed out, it took 15 years to finish!

I tried a pun about water, but people "sea" right through it, and when people complain, they are usually just being a beach.

How does a kid with no arms or legs like a video on YouTube when they say smash the like button?

They literally smash the like button "uuuuuugghghhhgBANG!"

What happens when you mess with a farmer? You get the whole ranch.

It was 7:00 a.m. when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep. He got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat. "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely. Billy replied with, "Whatever Dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"

1. If being ugly was a crime, you would have a life sentence.

2. My phone battery lasts longer than your friendships.

3. There is a tree out there giving you oxygen, and you owe that tree an apology.

4. I don’t hate you, but I gotta unplug your life support to charge my phone.

5. When I saw your dad on the sidewalk, I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.

6. If I had powers, I would make you the dumbest person alive, but it seems life already beat me to the punch.

7. If karma ever comes to punch ya in the face, I wanna be there to help it.

8. If I had a dollar for every time you said something smart, I’d be broke.

9. You are more disappointing than a cake without frosting.

10. Were you born on a highway, 'cause that’s where most accidents happen?

11. Wow, that hurts, now I know how it felt when your mom said that to ya.

12. You're the reason this country has to put directions on shampoo, and you may as well be the reason why the middle finger was invented.

When I was young, I got bullied by two kids, and whenever I got hit to the ground, I would get back up and cry. Then I had the courage to fight back, except they didn't get back up.

When someone says, "Jesus," I say, "Bitch, where?"

What's the difference between a little boy and a freezer?

The freezer doesn't scream when you put your meat in it.

Your mama so fat that when she went to McDonald's, they said, "Sorry, you've had enough, ma'am."

What do you get when you cross a cow with a coffee bean grower?

De-calf!

How do you know when your wife is dead?

The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

When is a rape victim right?

When she admits she lied.

When a woman decides to abort, it is called a decision, but when I run my truck into a playground of kids, it is called murder.

What happens when an angel and nun "have some fun and forget pills"?

The nun gets pregNUNt.

What's red, six inches long, and made my girlfriend cry when I fed it to her?

Her miscarriage.

One day, a child walks along and asks, "Mother, why am I called Butterfly?"

The mother replies, "A butterfly landed on you as a baby."

A minute later, another child comes along and says, "Mother, why am I called Feather?"

The mother then replied, "Because a feather fell on your head when you were born."

Then Brick comes along and says, "Ahahhsdjsjskxs."