When jokes

Knock knock. Who's there? Artichokes. Artichokes who? Artichokes when he eats too fast.

My balls are high, just like the towers, but when something impales them, they begin to sag.

I wish that when Mario dies to some random object, I died too.

What do you get when you cross a lawn mower and a parakeet?

Shredded tweet!

Yo mama is so fat that when she was at school, they needed a satellite to take her school photo.

When you think you're depressed, but you know you're probably just using depression to be lazy and self-loathing, but then you realize that it, in itself, might actually be a symptom of depression.

Well gang, it looks like we've got another mystery on our hands!

What's the difference between soccer and a dead baby?

I don't wear steel cap boots when I play soccer.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When it leaves and never comes back...

Bullying orphans is like bullying the homeless kid; both cry when you make fun of their parents.

I was born and raised in Newcastle.

My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.

When I feel depressed, I like to cut myself another piece of cake.

When I called the suicidal hotline in Iraq, they asked if I could drive the car.

Child: Hello, I can’t find my dad.

Stranger: Oh, well when and where did you last see him?

Child: Oh, I remember, 5 years ago he went to get some milk here.

2k14 was so realistic when I switched to Kobe, the pass button stopped working.

Fat people should expect big things when they take their shirt off.

Yo mama so fat, when she goes on a diet, it ends world hunger.

What do you get when you mix a lemon and a cat?

A sourpuss.

When you're at a funeral and you laugh at the body... everyone stares, and one person said, "Isn't that your mom...?"

One day I went to smoke weed with some Mexicans, but they ran away when I asked if they had papers.

What happens to a baby when you let it run loose? It can't cause it can't run yet.