Myself jokes

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all.

I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...

You must be depression, because you make me want to kill myself ;)

I'm going to hang myself in the bathroom at school and put a note telling kids that I'm a piñata.

I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.

Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"

People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.

Tried to kill myself today using a bungee cord, I kept ALMOST dying.

I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.

If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.

If I wanted to kill myself, I would just climb up your ego and jump down to your IQ.

I love Brussel sprouts more than I love myself.

I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but thankfully, I turned myself around.

Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?

Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?

Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.

Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.

If I hung myself from a cliff, would people call me a cliffhanger?

brb makin' tic tac toe boards on myself.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

What do you call a single bisexual?

All bi myself.

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.