Myself Jokes

Suicide

Someone asked me if I've ever tried to kill myself. I responded, "Absolutely. A few times actually. I'm just not very good at it."

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  • MEd

    I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...

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  • Carving

    I know what I want to be for Halloween! A pumpkin! I'm very good at carving into myself, after all.

  • 1
  • Suicide

    I'm going to hang myself in the bathroom at school and put a note telling kids that I'm a piñata.

    Self Harm

    I told my dad I was self harming. The next day we talked about it and he said, "Hey you should CUT it out." It was funny but I couldn't bring myself to laugh at that.

    Roof

    Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and was thinking to myself, "Where the f*ck is my roof?"

    Self-worth

    People sometimes ask me why I cut myself. I usually answer that at least I can scan my worth at the supermarket.

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  • Suicide

    I tried to commit suicide today; never doing that again. I almost killed myself.

  • 1
  • Ego

    If I wanted to kill myself, I would climb up to the top of your ego and jump to your IQ.

    Ego

    If I wanted to kill myself, I would just climb up your ego and jump down to your IQ.

    Self

    I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but thankfully, I turned myself around.

    Shit

    Teacher: Johnny, can you use a sentence with "definitely" in it?

    Little Johnny: Do farts have lumps in them?

    Teacher: Of course not, Johnny.

    Little Johnny: Then I’ve definitely shat myself.

  • 4
  • Erection

    I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus, and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection..." But she did.

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