When jokes
When you're driving past a graveyard say: "Wow, people were just dying to get in there."
What do volcanoes and suicide bombers have in common?
They both erupt when triggered.
you look like a dumb crab. When everyone sees you, the world will end.
When you cream pie a tardy hottie, it’s called a loaded potato. 🥴🦴💨🥔
What's the similarity between pedophiles and school shooters?
They both shoot when they see kids.
Memes
Why do dwarfs laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
When you commit suicide in your house, that's suicide, but when you commit suicide outside, you failed your parkour.
What did Papyrus say when Sans served spaghetti to Frisk?
BONE-Appetit!
When I was a child, I was made to walk the plank... We couldn't afford a dog.
My friends hate when I make skeleton jokes. I guess I need to put more backbone into it.
When God created women, it was an accident. He meant to make a man, but then "WHOA-MAN!!"
What did the ocean say when it saw the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
Q: What do you get when you drop all your potato chips in your couch somewhere?
A: A couch potato. HaHaHa
A 28 year old woman, Olga, in Meshchovsk, Russia took justice into her own hands when a 32 year old male robber, Viktor, decided to rob her salon. She tied him, feeding him only Viagra, having sex with him over and over. After a few days, she released him after he stated he learned his lesson and wouldn't go to the police. He lied and went to the police anyways. Both were arrested.
After his sentence was over, Viktor sat down to speak to the local news. The reporter asked Viktor, "How was this whole ordeal?" Viktor replied, "I've had better."
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5.
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
When did I realize COVID was serious?
When I saw your teeth social distancing.
Why was Han Solo so suspicious when he put his penis inside Princess Leia for the first time?
Because it was Luke warm.
When you look at the sun, it's like looking at me.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
The baby cries when I cut it, but an onion makes me cry when I cut it.
The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued.
“As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”