When jokes
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies. (This does not apply to me. It's a joke.)
I always use chloroform when stealing a child.
When does an Emo wake up in the morning? After the rooster says, "Cutadoodledo!"
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
What sound does an Indian make when you're trying to fuck it? ieieieie.
Why did the orphan not call 911 when he saw a tower catch fire?
'Cause he did not want any kids to go through the same pain.
What was Jesus' reaction when the first black person was born?
"Holy shit, I burnt one."
When I have a staring contest, I always win.
Every day, I see blind people who hate me.
You: I have a nice hairline.
Your friend: Since when do you have one?
You: I forgot.
Sometimes I get jealous when my phone dies.
Today, I saw my friend go crazy eating her ham sandwich. When she went to the bathroom, I checked inside her ham sandwich, and there were fresh drugs.
I left a ticket to a WNBA game on the dashboard when I went to go get the groceries.
A burglar broke in and left another one on the dashboard.
When you're in a cage But it's not real!
Being in a cage But you have the key.
Being in a cage But nobody sees you.
Being outside of a cage, but it's empty.
Living and realizing you've been born into one.
Thinking someone cared about you But turns out they're toxic as fu**.
But you can't live without them.
The cage Is you. You have the key But you don't know how to use it.
What happens when a battery commits a crime? They get charged!
Yo life got no meaning, just like your dad when he left. Like if it's a good one.
When you're depressed about the world :( but you remember you will soon die :)
When you push your grandma out of her wheelchair and steal it.
“They see me rollin’, they hatin’.”
When your little brother knocks your two Jenga towers you made with his toy airplane,
You: "Hey, stop trying to recreate the Twin Towers!"
Grandma: When we go to a wedding, whispers, "You're next."
At a funeral, I whisper, "You're next."