what's the difference between a baby and an onion?
I cry when I chop up an onion.
I just found out my ex got stabbed today... let's just say I lost my job as a butcher.
Me: Want to play 911?
My little brother: What's that?
Me: It's where I kick your legs and you fall.
I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.
I hate two-faced people because I don't know which face to slap first.
I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"
Remember, kids: the school shooter can't get you if YOU are the shooter.
What did the rapist say to his victim?
"Go ahead, call the police. We will see who comes first."
Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."
So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.
Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun? Special Forces.
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
Did you hear about the German girl being raped by 10 men? She shouted, "nein, nein," so one of them left.
What's the only time you can do almost whatever you want?
When you have a gun in your hand.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall?
Depends on how hard you throw them.
Helen Keller picked up a cheese grater, it was the most violent story she'd ever read.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I buttfucked Scooby Doo.
So I was sitting on the couch with a woman, and I asked her, "Does this napkin smell like chloroform?"
You call it a tragedy. I call it a 25 killstreak.
I was in school yesterday and I saw this emo kid with a new cut, so I said, "I like ya cut g." And I slapped him. I don't know why I got in so much trouble. All I did was slap his wrist.
When the school shooter walks by the emo kid and doesn’t feel his gun anymore.
