I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Employee Jokes
Do you know a way to really freak out someone that works at a car dealership?
You say, "Tell me if you can hear me," then get in the trunk and start screaming.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
Where does a girl with one leg work?
IHOP.
Paddy and Seamus work at the Guinness factory, and Seamus has a horrible accident and dies at work.
Paddy agrees to tell Seamus' wife the bad news. He knocks on the door, and Seamus' wife answers. "What's happened, Paddy?" Paddy frowns. "I'm sorry to say poor Seamus fell into the Guinness vat and drowned, I'm so sorry." She started to cry and asked Paddy: "Did he at least die quickly?" Seamus shook his head, "No, he got out 3 times for a pee."
Me: tries to scan self at Walmart. I can't scan myself, wanna know why?
Alfred: Why?
Me: because I'm worthless... =)
Why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
For throwing out the W's.
People call me a bad person, but just the other day I saw a little kid crying and asked him where were his parents. I love working at the orphanage.
Customer: "Can I get this in a smaller size and a different color?"
Employee: "Ma'am, this is an adoption agency, you can't do that here!"
Why can’t the employee tell dirty laundry jokes?
Because they always come out clean.
Three men are traveling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while, but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, they suddenly stumble across a tent, and inside are three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny, too, so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince, and these three women were his wives, so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is:
The guy says, "I'm a fireman."
The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!"
The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range."
The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!"
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."
What person can't work at a family business? An orphan.
Why can't orphans work at McDonald's? Because they call their employees family.
Hot women with big boobs work at Hooters, but where does a handicap woman work?
IHOP.
We stopped by the reception desk, but the receptionist informed us, "I am wan kin the manager." So we just left in disgust!
I was working at the bank today when an old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
Why did the girl quit her job at the donut factory?
She was fed up with the hole business.
Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"
Don’t orphans work at Dollar Tree?
Cause it’s a family business.