What leaves a bigger memory than a passionate kiss?
A stab wound.
Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.
Mom: Shut up and keep digging.
Q: What does LMAO mean?
A: Launching Missiles At Orphanages.
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."
How many police officers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They just beat the room for being black.
What's the cool thing about bringing a pack of gum or a shotgun to school?
When you pull one out everybody wants to be your friend. :)
Random guy: "Go suck a D*ck!"
Me: Nah, I'd rather suck a 9mm.
So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.
What do you do when life gives you lemons? Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist. 🙂💊💉
How did Rihanna know that Chris Brown was cheating on her? There was a different color of lipstick on his knuckles.
Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.
Any girl can be a squirter if you hit the right artery.
What do you call a dwarf suicide bomber?
A party popper.
What do you call an all-you-can-eat buffet for a pedophile? A school bus.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a pornstar? One stops sucking when you smack it.
A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"
The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."
I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."
...so I threw a dictionary at him.
How do you make it hard for a rapist who is trying to rape you? Rub it.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.
