Violence

Violence Jokes

School

What's the cool thing about bringing a pack of gum or a shotgun to school?

When you pull one out everybody wants to be your friend. :)

Grandma

Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.

Mom: Shut up and keep digging.

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  • Lawyer

    You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?

    Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

    School

    One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."

    Rapist

    How do you make it hard for a rapist who is trying to rape you? Rub it.

    Phone

    So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

    Cheat

    How did Rihanna know that Chris Brown was cheating on her? There was a different color of lipstick on his knuckles.

    Lemon

    What do you do when life gives you lemons? Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist. πŸ™‚πŸ’ŠπŸ’‰

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  • Murder

    Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.

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  • Pornstar

    What's the difference between a mosquito and a pornstar? One stops sucking when you smack it.

    Head

    A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

    The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."

    The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"

    The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."

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  • Rape

    Did you hear about the German girl being raped by 10 men? She shouted, "nein, nein," so one of them left.

    Dictionary

    I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

    ...so I threw a dictionary at him.