Violence jokes

How do you make it hard for a rapist who is trying to rape you? Rub it.

Kid: But, Mom, I don't want to see Grandma.

Mom: Shut up and keep digging.

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

Random guy: "Go suck a D*ck!"

Me: Nah, I'd rather suck a 9mm.

One day, I came home from school and said to my dad, "I got expelled from school today." He said, "How?" I said, "I threw my book at the teacher." He asked, "Why?" I told him, "We were doing an anti-bullying program, and my teacher said words can't hurt me, so I threw my dictionary at her."

How did Rihanna know that Chris Brown was cheating on her? There was a different color of lipstick on his knuckles.

Did you hear about the German girl being raped by 10 men? She shouted, "nein, nein," so one of them left.

Murder is the same as suicide, except the other person is doing it for you.

What do you do when life gives you lemons? Slit your wrist and give a lemon a twist. 🙂💊💉

Any girl can be a squirter if you hit the right artery.

Q: What does LMAO mean?

A: Launching Missiles At Orphanages.

What do you call a dwarf suicide bomber?

A party popper.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a pornstar? One stops sucking when you smack it.

What do you call an all-you-can-eat buffet for a pedophile? A school bus.

I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

...so I threw a dictionary at him.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a crowbar could do it so much quicker.

Me: Want to play 911?

My little brother: What's that?

Me: It's where I kick your legs and you fall.

A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"

The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."

what's the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry when I chop up an onion.