Violence jokes

Why didn’t the orphan play baseball?

Because I took the bat and swung it at their kneecaps, and now they can’t run. What are they going to do, tell their parents?

Why did my dad bring a bomb vest to fit in with his Taliban brothers?

My gf told me she was pregnant. So I punched her in the stomach.

She asked me "Why the hell did you do that?!?!?" "I wanted to let you know I'm pro abortion."

What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?

Special forces.

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw 'em.

How do you put a baby in a blender feet first so you can see its facial expressions?

How do you get the baby out? With a tortilla chip!

What do you call it when you light a person in a wheelchair on fire?

Cooking the vegetables.

When the school shooter is about to leave your classroom and the autistic kid's Sketchers light up.

I was walking to the park and a mystery killer came and shot me.

GUY 1: How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

GUY 2: Depends on how hard you throw them.

I would kill for something to eat--the cannibal.

I was fucking this girl, and I started to make her cry.

She mumbled things and squirmed, but I couldn't hear her through the gag I put in her mouth.

I'll slit your throat and kick you in the gut till you die one time.

Hitler was talking about how to fight in WW2 when someone sneezed while Hitler was giving a speech, so Hitler yelled, "WHO SNEEZED ROW 1? DID ANYONE SNEEZE?" They said no, and Hitler shot everybody. Same for row 2 & 3, but in row 4 someone nervous said, "Me, I'm sorry." Then Hitler said, "Bless you."

(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes.)

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.

Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

Why did the guy run because the girl ripped his penis off?

How do you stop a baby from crying?

Throw a brick in its mouth.

How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...

I say 123, yeah, the kids bullied me, but they really don't know that my dad has a gun, yeah.

Murder: Wanna play a game?

Me: Ok (pulls out Xbox controller)