Violence jokes

(I want to apologize in advance. These are very dark jokes.)

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? His wife is dead.

Why does Helen Keller hate porcupines? They’re painful to look at.

Why can’t orphans play baseball? They don’t know where home is.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes. The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

How do you stop a baby from crying?

Throw a brick in its mouth.

How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...

I say 123, yeah, the kids bullied me, but they really don't know that my dad has a gun, yeah.

Murder: Wanna play a game?

Me: Ok (pulls out Xbox controller)

A child was walking through the forest when a wolf jumped in front of him. The child saw that the wolf had no leg. He then became a terrorist and caused 9/11.

How long does it take a baby to cook in the microwave?

I don't know. I close my eyes when I masturbate.

I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.

Roses are red, I have a confession:

A man kills best friend after 10hrs anal sex session.

Me: 911, I just killed someone.

Cops: Cool, we will not come.

Me: Why?

Cops: Don't admit a crime.

Phones: *Bang Bang*

Me: Well, that was 2 crimes done.

You know how on Snapchat "hmu" means hit me up? A school posted "smu." Nikolas Cruz responded.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Stranger.

Stranger who?

Stranger, why are you in my house masticating my apparent dead wife?

Ever heard of rape jokes?

No?

Well, I'll MAKE you hear 'em!

I punched an orphan, and he told me to leave him alone. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"

Would you rather:

Fight Mike Tyson

Or

Lick an elephant's butt after it took a crap with diarrhea?

How can you tell when a female was raped? She crossed herself out.

I never understood school shooting jokes.

I guess they were aimed at younger audiences.

Why are school shootings branded “very American”?

1. They usually happen in the USA.

2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.

When the school shooter shoots the autistic kid and he thinks he's having an orgasm.

What's black and white and red all over????? A zebra in a blender!