Violence jokes

Murder: Wanna play a game?

Me: Ok (pulls out Xbox controller)

A child was walking through the forest when a wolf jumped in front of him. The child saw that the wolf had no leg. He then became a terrorist and caused 9/11.

How long does it take a baby to cook in the microwave?

I don't know. I close my eyes when I masturbate.

I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.

Me: 911, I just killed someone.

Cops: Cool, we will not come.

Me: Why?

Cops: Don't admit a crime.

Phones: *Bang Bang*

Me: Well, that was 2 crimes done.

You know how on Snapchat "hmu" means hit me up? A school posted "smu." Nikolas Cruz responded.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Stranger.

Stranger who?

Stranger, why are you in my house masticating my apparent dead wife?

How can you tell when a female was raped? She crossed herself out.

I never understood school shooting jokes.

I guess they were aimed at younger audiences.

Why are school shootings branded “very American”?

1. They usually happen in the USA.

2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.

I punched an orphan, and he told me to leave him alone. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"

Would you rather:

Fight Mike Tyson

Or

Lick an elephant's butt after it took a crap with diarrhea?

When the school shooter shoots the autistic kid and he thinks he's having an orgasm.

What's black and white and red all over????? A zebra in a blender!

What's black, white, and red all over?

Lossvagus school shooting.

Ever heard of rape jokes?

No?

Well, I'll MAKE you hear 'em!

Jack and Jill went up to an abandoned house.

Jack drank too much and unzipped his fly. Jack said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "No." So Jack locked both of them in the house and put a gag in Jill's mouth, tied her to a bed. He ripped off her dress and underwear. He took off his pants and his underwear too, then put on a condom. He then put a pill in her mouth and made her swallow. One minute later she was asleep. He took off her gag and mounted himself on her, then stuck his "candystick" in her mouth, next her fanny. Then his condom broke, but he was too drunk to notice. Nine months later a baby's born and Jack's in jail as the father.

What’s the best part of raping an 11 year old girl?

Killing the little bitch after you’ve finished with her.

Little Johnny brought a baseball bat to school.

The teacher asked why he had one. He said, "I need it to beat up the principal!"

When the principal found out what Little Johnny had said, well, let’s just say Little Johnny didn’t need no baseball bat to kill him.

If you go to the military and you get sent to a country, how many heads will you blow off?

That number is how many dicks you suck.