Violence Jokes

How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...

I say 123, yeah, the kids bullied me, but they really don't know that my dad has a gun, yeah.

Murder: Wanna play a game?

Me: Ok (pulls out Xbox controller)

A child was walking through the forest when a wolf jumped in front of him. The child saw that the wolf had no leg. He then became a terrorist and caused 9/11.

How long does it take a baby to cook in the microwave?

I don't know. I close my eyes when I masturbate.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Stranger.

Stranger who?

Stranger, why are you in my house masticating my apparent dead wife?

You know how on Snapchat "hmu" means hit me up? A school posted "smu." Nikolas Cruz responded.

I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.

Me: 911, I just killed someone.

Cops: Cool, we will not come.

Me: Why?

Cops: Don't admit a crime.

Phones: *Bang Bang*

Me: Well, that was 2 crimes done.

Ever heard of rape jokes?

No?

Well, I'll MAKE you hear 'em!

Would you rather:

Fight Mike Tyson

Lick an elephant's butt after it took a crap with diarrhea?

Why are school shootings branded “very American”?

1. They usually happen in the USA.

2. They’re like the Fourth of July: there’s a lot of loud banging and kids screaming.

How can you tell when a female was raped? She crossed herself out.

What's black, white, and red all over?

Lossvagus school shooting.

When the school shooter shoots the autistic kid and he thinks he's having an orgasm.

I punched an orphan, and he told me to leave him alone. I said, "What are you gonna do, tell your parents?"

What's black and white and red all over????? A zebra in a blender!

I never understood school shooting jokes.

I guess they were aimed at younger audiences.

Jack and Jill went up to an abandoned house.

Jack drank too much and unzipped his fly. Jack said, "You know you wanna." Jill said, "No." So Jack locked both of them in the house and put a gag in Jill's mouth, tied her to a bed. He ripped off her dress and underwear. He took off his pants and his underwear too, then put on a condom. He then put a pill in her mouth and made her swallow. One minute later she was asleep. He took off her gag and mounted himself on her, then stuck his "candystick" in her mouth, next her fanny. Then his condom broke, but he was too drunk to notice. Nine months later a baby's born and Jack's in jail as the father.