Violence jokes

Don't mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

The quiet kid starts playing "Pumped Up Kicks" in the parking lot before school.

The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we've all kicked a pregnant woman before we were even born.

A guy walks into a bar with a 44 magnum and says, "Who the fuck's been fucking my wife?" The room goes silent. The guy in the back finishes his beer and says, "You ain't got enough bullets."

So, I was raping this girl the other night, and she said, "Please just think of my kids!" I was like, "What a freak."

My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.

A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."

The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."

The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."

And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."

The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them.

The guy from France said, "For France!" And drank the poison and died.

The man from Britain said, "Long live the queen!" And shot himself and died.

And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, "Make a canoe out of this, you fuckers!"

How do you stop a baby from crawling around in a circle on the floor?

You nail its other hand to the floor.

I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie...

no one could tell that it was their blood.

My sister thinks she's so smart, she said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at her.

What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle?

Optimistic.

Go commit neck rope.

It's not rape if you're both crying.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... That is... if you throw it hard enough.

Roses are red, peanuts are tan. I am joining the Ku Klux Klan.

Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream was shot.

Q: Do you know why black people have nightmares?

A: Because we shot the last one who had a dream.

How do you start a school shooting at a black school?

Call the cops.

My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.