Violence jokes
I'll never forget my brother's last words: "Why is there a revolver in your hand?"
I love fire. My friends love it too. When I set them on fire, they run around and scream. They sometimes get so tired they immediately fall asleep forever. Also, they need a shower.
Why did the man with no arms fall off his bike? Someone threw a washing machine at him.
What's meaner than taking candy from a baby?
Throwing the baby off a cliff.
What's green then red all over and goes 100mph?
A frog in a blender.
What do you get when you beat up an autistic kid?
Mashed potatoes.
What is red, bubbling, and scratching at a window?
A baby in the microwave.
A blind teenager who is bad at reading wants to go hunting, so he finds a hunting ground called s-ch-ool.
Guns control.
What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
A mosquito stops sucking after you f*cking slap it.
Why did Jimmy throw the clock out the window? Because it reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man who knife-raped his wife.
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
What is a school shooter's favorite animal?
A Desert Eagle.
If somebody cuts their leg off and hits you with it, would they be kicking or hitting you?
I knew this one guy who liked to swim with the fishes, then the mob got a hold of 'em...
What do you take care of after a car crash?
The witnesses.
I will never forget my girlfriend's last words... "Get off of me! STOP!" *slurp*... Dead.
Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"
Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."
Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."
Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."
My last thought: Am I a murderer?
Why did Hitler's girlfriend break up with him? He Hit-ler.
I learned that a strangler was targeting me.
All I could think was, "You’ve got to be choking me!"