A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read, "Hey, I'm sorry I had to tell you like this but I have been doing your wife for months now." The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying, "Sorry, meant using your wifi."
Violence Jokes
I hit my friend.
He's dead now.
What do you get when you throw a baby into the wheat thresher?
An erection.
If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have?
10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just arrest the lightbulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
Q: Why did Sally fall off the building?
A: Her dad pushed her.
What was the last thing to go through JFK's mind?
A bullet.
What's a school shooter's favorite anime?
Assassination Classroom.
What is scarier than a pile of dead babies?
The bottom one ate its way out!
A baby seal walks into a club...
How do you get a clown to stop smiling?
You shoot him in the face.
Someone threw a cup at my eye. I told 911 that I was mugged.
I went to the shooting range the other day. After a while, I realized I was the only one there. So, I decided to go home and saw on the news that there was a mass school shooting and there were reporters on the scene. Man, I knew I should have stayed around a little longer.
Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.
What's black, blue, and red, laying in a ditch?
You after you disrespect me.
A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.
The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."
The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"
The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."
How many babies does it take to paint a barn red? Well, it depends on how hard you throw them.
So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.
But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."
So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.
This was the best day of my life.
This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.
Do nothing about people falling down the stairs, it will keep happening.
Put razor blades on the stairs, it will be their last time falling down the stairs.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
The baby cries when I cut it, but an onion makes me cry when I cut it.
